Hollow in the Heart

As most Mirians would be aware of, there has been a horrifying case of rape and murder recently.
The girl named Tiffany Wong, a recent graduate from St. Joseph Miri met with death by the hands of her friend. In my opinion, this was a case of intentional murder and that is what's terrifying. Along with the emotional repercussions of the case, another point of interest was the motive and the intention of the alleged (and anyone from home would argue 'definite') murderer.

From rumous and news reports we have gathered:  
a) He was a childhood friend (point of interest: how close were they really? had they been friends all along? case in point: it appears that swhe had wished him a happy birthday sometime in November last year. However, assuming that we have a different mentality as to what friendship is, she seems to be an individual (based on age, the number of FB friends she has, and the number of pictures she takes) who is likely to wish anyone within relative close proximity (let's narrow this down to secondary school friends including seniors and juniors, as well as primary school friends who have gone on to the same secondary school which includes the alleged murderer). Was he a part of her group of friends or merely an acquaintance that she knew since childhood? As I'm considering this point, I'm thinking about the numerous people I know from childhood and have been in the same school but only consider as acquaintances and not "friend".)

b) They have mutual friends (Based on comments on FB, 3rd degree association - "I know that guy too." (knowing both the victim and the prepetrator as members of the same school), 2nd degree association - "He is another friend" (being friends with both victim and prepetrator). At this point, we may establish that they share at best a cordial relationship, or have mutual friends within the same class/school.

c) He had a crush on her that was never reciprocated. (Missing information: Had he perhaps professed his love to her prior and was rejected? Or was this one of those instances where it is unrequitted because he's never had the cojones to do anything? Was he out of her league? Again, based on the number of friends he has (99- before the account was deactivated, present - probably none), compared to the number she had (1095), it would seem that she was Miss cheery and popular, while he remains relatively in the background.

d) She was going to meet a friend who had her result slip OR she was going to school to collect her result slip
(i) If she was going to meet a friend who had her result slip because her father wanted to see it (again, info gathered from various forums)
Points of interest:
did the friend know she was going to get a ride from the guy? if so, she would have clued the parents in as to her whereabouts
why was her result slip with her friend? and if so, did the school release her results to her friend, are they allowed to do that? (just curious) OR she gathered her results and left it with her friend (why though? had she forgotten? or were her results less than desirable for parental viewing? it appears that she scored 4As, which is better than what I did, but then again, I wasn't at home to face the warth of my parents when they found out)
(ii) If she was going to school to collect her result slip, did she call the guy to pick her up? if not, how did he just magically show up at her place to offer her a ride? At this point, perhaps we can establish that they had been exchanging text messages, so what does that tell us about their friendship? probably closer than just a cordial friendship re: back to point (b), or she's just a super friendly girl

e) She had willingly gotten into his car, witnessed by mother. Again, none of her friends could attest to knowing a mutual friend owning a grey Waja/Toyota (hate newspapers and confusing facts). So what can we deduce from this? He DOES not run in her circle of friends/it's a car they've never seen him drive before, in which case, he must have done some planning to ensure that he couldn't be traced/identified, but for what? maybe not murder, but certainly having the purpose to do something untoward to this poor girl.

f) Her mother did not know who she was going out with, or who she was meeting. This is presumably (as is the case nowadays) due to current casual parental attitudes and the sheer number of casual friendships young people seem to have nowadays. Your parents won't know all your friends, and they do not bother to ask you where you are and what you're doing. We could perhaps assume that (i) she's a good girl who doesn't need monitoring, (ii) being in Miri gives us a false sense of security as to its surroundings and the character of the people, (iii) her parents do not know about her activities which seem to include at least on ONE occasion getting drunk to the extent that as one friend put it "kiss her till she also don't know", and "singing k till midnight". At this point I'd like to thank my father for calling me at the age of 25, while in Miri, when I'm not back by 12am, after only being out at 8pm and questioning me incessantly if I head out after 9pm.

I put to the public that 
a) He drove her away, intending to perhaps declare his love for her, and most certainly elicit some kind of sexual favour from her
b) The best case scenario for him is that she would agree, and then they would begin a relationship.
c) The girl does not seem like someone who WOULD consent to any sexual favours, because
(i) She appears to be a decent girl (tell me if I'm overestimating her integrity just by deducing from her pictures and statements from her friends, although I may be biased towards band members)
(ii) It seems that she has a boyfriend and he looks to be a decent guy too (again speculation)
d) So if he drove her out with the intention of currying sexual favour, knowing these points about her (being her friend), how did he guesstimate his chances of succeeding to be? Surely none or remotely close to that? 

Therefore, assuming that he knew he had less than a 5% chance of succeeding, did he not think what he was going to do to keep her from ratting on him? Unless he was clearly the brainless imbecile people are making him out to be, then the probable chances of her coming out alive from this from the moment he offered her a ride was close to none. Doesn't this then, make it premeditative murder?

To put it simply, here are possible thoughts:
"I'll tell her I love her, have sex with her, we live happily ever after"
"I'll tell her I love her, ask her if she'll have sex with me, and if she says no we'll just let it be without anyone knowing"
"I'll tell her I love her, ask her if she'll have sex with me, and if she says no I'll let her go and don't mind if she tells the world what I just asked her"
"I'll tell her I love her, force her to have sex with me, then let her go and hope she won't tell"
"I'll tell her I love her, force her to have sex with me, then let her go so she can tell the world"
"I'll tell her I love her, force her to have sex with me, kill her so that she doesn't tell"

Which of these seem likely to you?

Safety is of the essence
Because there is relatively nothing we can do once we step into a car belonging to the person who intends to kill us, what other safety precautions can we take BEFORE we make that decision?
1) Tell your parents where you're going and who you're out with
2) Let your friends know at the very least
3) Do not trust anyone beyond your circle of closest friends
4) Your classmate who says hi to you is NOT your 'close friend'
5) Do not assume your childhood friend who you've seen in waist-line pants and pigtails remain the same
6) Make sure you have trusted people on speed dial
7) Do not go to any remote areas with guy friends
8) Better still, if you seriously do not know the guy well AND he has a girlfriend and offers you a ride, say NO, or bring a girl friend along.
9) NO ONE is decent by association, just because he's your bestfriend's boyfriend or good friend or whatever friend does not make it safe, so don't get in.

To be honest, if a guy asked me for a sexual favour I'd rather grab his steering wheel and risk having the both of us perish in an accident than having him try to rape me or murder me after. The saddest thing is, she COULDN'T have known his intentions. But now that this has happened in non-happening Miri, everyone (I don't discount guys) should keep these motives in mind. Remember, anyone who dares to even ask cannot be trusted. I don't care if "it's mens' nature, they can't help themselves" as some people put it on the forums. We are all capable of self-control so that's bullshit. 

NEXT!!

Work. All work and no play makes Jack, Jill and Humpty Dumpty dull. I'm just thinking, hey, I would like to remember what my first official day (according to the contract, that is) was like. When I look back 30 years from now on my retirement day, I want to remember everything - not knowing anything, feeling nervous and a tad bit scared but surprisingly non-heart thumping experience. This marks my first day of taking responsibility, real accountability for my work and my actions, and most importantly the first day of what I hope to be of some contribution to this field.

Almost immediately I'm taken by the relaxed atmosphere of the place. No one seems to be in a hurry and that's a strange feeling for me. No stress, no pressure - easy transition to the workplace. Is this some kind of trick? Where's the crisis? Where's the action?' I thought to myself. I wanted to jump in immediately! Rearing to go after almost a year's hiatus from psychology!

Pause.

I reminded myself. No brash decisions, no quick judgments, keep your mind open to the experience and equip yourself with the time and resources given before you're ready to execute informed actions. There is a lot to learn, and a lot of questions to ask. And of course, there is the people. Respect, integrity and responsibility. I got to know a few clients today. Open your eyes, ears and heart. Don't be blinded by the illness, look at the effort. Never just hear; listen. Don't just read the history, notes and files; ask for thoughts, emotions and strengths.

When I look back one day, I wanted to know that I remembered to practice these principles and know that I upheld them as best as I could from the first day.

Next stage of life, Helen. Stand up tall and take in everything. It's the beginning of what you've always wanted. Pat on the back for making it happen. And now? Go do what's meant for you and love it :)

Almost there - Clinically Certified (Part 2): Acceptance

Date: 21st December, 2007

Sitting on stacked mattresses on the floor in Lik Hwan's room in Subang Jaya, KL. Four days to Christmas, on a visit to see Three great friends, Two great disappointments and One second away from the best news of the year.

Inbox.

Dear Helen

Just a brief email to let you know that you are being made an offer into the Master of Psychology (Clinical) at Deakin - congratulations!!!

I have notified Deakin International but it may take some time before the paperwork reaches you so I just wanted to let you know now, so you can have a happy new year, and get your visa paperwork moving along.

All the best, and I'll look forward to working with you in the new year.
:-)
Catherine

Yay!!!!!!!! Start calling people. Everyone, anyone who would listen. Best Christmas present ever (Not that I'd ever had many coz we don't celebrate Christmas). Only one thing in my mind: All. the. hard. work. has. paid. off! For the rest of the summer I forgot about Unimelb, Queensland, what have you. Screw that! I. have. a. shot. at. this! And that was all that mattered. Really. Little did I know I would struggle to convince myself of the same thing during the months to come.

People of the world!
Every boy and every girl!
Word of Advice (in Malaysian fashion):

Master of Psychology (Clinical), don't play play, k?
Banyak susah ni.
*swt*

27th March 2009

Lately my mood has been fluctuating between downright low and anxious, "safe" and with glimpses of hope.. only to plunge back down again.

What a rollercoaster ride!

Few things that are causing stress:
1) Myself
2) Placement
3) Uni
4) My health
5) Placement
6) Placement
7) Placement

I think I'm giving myself too much pressure. I think I'm not capable enough. I think I should just give up. I think I'm not good enough for this.

Then...

I think I should let myself breathe one in a while. I think this too shall pass. I think that I've never given up on anything before, so why now? I think I will be good in time.

I think I think.. .

Yeah.. someone do cognitive-behavioural therapy on me!

Teen discussed suicide plan online 12 hours before webcam death

The Florida teen whose lethal drug overdose was broadcast live over the net earlier this week began blogging about his intended suicide 12 hours before.

As reported by the AP, 19-year-old college student Abraham Briggs died Wednesday afternoon in his bed after ingesting a lethal mixture of drugs used to treat depression.

As early as 3am, he discussed his plan to commit suicide in a forum at the website bodybuilding.com, and he posted a link to Justin.tv, the site where his death was broadcast via webcam.

After blogging about his overdose, he could be seen lying in his bed for as long as 12 hours. Some watchers urged him to take more drugs. Others attempted to talk him out of it. Still others questioned whether the dose he took was enough to kill him.

At one point, a visitor to bodybuilding.com notified a site moderator of Briggs' intentions, and the police were called. When the police arrived at his home, he was dead. Among the last images captured: An officer with gun drawn enters the room and begins examining the body. Then the video lens is covered.

Briggs' father said his son had a history of depression and had been prescribed benzodiazepine to treat bipolar disorder.
-------------------------------------------------------
Stories like this always make me feel sad and angry. You understand why, but can't accept that it has happened sometimes. It reminds me of what I will be battling in my career. But it also tells me that in the end, it's my client's choice to make what they do about their life.

Take care everyone.

Randomness

I'm sitting here staring out my window at 1.44am when I should be asleep. Why? Because there is class tomorrow and that means waking up at 7am at the latest to catch the train to Geelong. I guess I wanted to do this while I'm in the mood. I can't remember if I did a retrospective account on New Year's Day (and I can't even be bothered to check because I feel so much like writing). So I'm doing this now in the middle of the night.

What have I got to show for in the past year?

Well, I'm doing my Masters. Only now when I look at those words clearly that it has finally sunk in. I am doing my Masters.
I am doing my Masters.
IamdoingmyMasters.

Masters.

Ok. Technically it's Master but it sounds weird when you say it without the S.

Who would have thought?
The girl who managed to flunk Chemistry, Biology, Physics and Additional Math all the way through Form 4 and 5 is doing a Masters.

You know. I think I lost a friend. A friend who says friends come and go. I don't know about that. I think you lose friends because you don't put in the effort. Or your friend doesn't put in the effort. Either way, when distance is the only problem, a fallout can be avoided if you TRY. So there.

Oh boy. It's turned into a rant already hasn't it? The post should be titled "Will you remember?"
coz obviously that's what's on my mind butIjustdon'twanttoadmitit. DidyouknowitisactuallykindadifficulttotypewithoutwantingtopressSpace?

Blah.
23.

24252627282930.

*shudders*

Now what else.......






*crickets*



















*more crickets*









Ermm.. I also got a haircut? Finally?

Life sucks as in B for Boring, Banal and Bland. Anything else from the dictionary?

Perfección

Hm.. During this point in the year, I'd normally be feeling exhilarated and totally into my work. But a sudden wave of homesick-ness just struck me. Now where did that come from?

Things have changed over the last few months since I landed back here in Melbourne. I lost a lot of my supports from the past year so I'm now officially on my own. The emotional support I have gathered over the past years in Melbourne are now gone. Even my best buddy is so busy that we have drifted quite a bit despite some efforts and a few calls in between the craziness.

I took the plunge and almost hit the bottom of the pool. Hell, Masters is even deeper a shit than Honours. It's killing me. Now I understand the importance of a fantastic supervisor. I miss Dr. Ben Williams! :/ He should give his interpersonal skills more credit. Maybe there are too many distractions (assignments every bloody week) that lure me away from really getting excited about my current research project (Uh, what is that I'm doing again?). I can barely explain what I'm doing.

I have two more exams to go before the "end of the semester" which technically doesn't exist because there will be seminars and placements starting in July, IF the Deakin staff can get themselves together that is. They tell us that we can only take 2 to 3 weeks off in the summer but haven't even managed to find us placements yet. What's taking so damn long man? Like WTF? Do you want us to do it or not? I want to get a headstart so I can take break later. The reason why you'll only give us a short summer break is coz YOU can't find us placements, not because WE start late -.-

There is a difference between being lazy and being obstructed because of TECHNICALITIES caused by YOU.

Damn Damn Damn Damn Damn Damn!

As you can see, I'm feeling extremely frustrated. And these feelings don't help with my feeling more comfortable towards this course and the people in-charge. Geez, get on with it already. Is there a money back guarantee I can apply for???????

"You must attend 90% of the classes"

Well fuck you. I learned more in THIRD YEAR than I learned shit in these past 3 months. And my coursemates wonder why I fall asleep sitting upright.

I hope the placements will be better coz at the moment, the coursework sucks ass.

Damn it.

E = Embarrassment

Helen walks into good old Borders armed with boxed lunch, laptop, and her Mental Disorders Bible. Nothing new. Two hours of vigorous typing ensues and ends abruptly when her laptop gives out.

No problem.

She clears the table and heads for the food court where electrical outlets are made readily available for the unsuspecting student. Except they would have to be suspecting otherwise no one would think to bring the power cable.

This student suspects. Hurray!

Out comes the laptop. Crumbs make way for the mound of papers on Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (does not include lingering thoughts of matter-of-fact storytelling by Celeste Jones "Not without my Sister").

Power cable yay!

Adapter no.

Much ado about nothing. She slinks back home with 545 words.

This whole thing is effing wearing me down..

I'm waiting.. waiting.. waiting..

It's been a long time since I've ever wanted something and let my true colours show. Do you know who I am? I'm not the nice girl who helps unconditionally, ever smiley and all that shit. I'm trying to be who I am but it's hard. The not so nice girl who helps but at most times uses that satisfaction to make herself feel better about her insecurities and whinges when people take her for granted.

It's hard swallowing this pill. Oh, like, how many times have I tried to delete the paragraph above? Gee, I lost count. Surprise, surprise.

Do you believe that personality is innate? I would say that our environment shapes our personality but once we reach a certain stage, we realize we can't really run too far away from it and have to deal with it eventually.

Obviously, I'm trying to deal.

Obviously, not dealing very well.

I still get pissed sometimes inside and I know it shows on my face easily. Observant people catch that brief glimpse. But what do I do? Plant on a smile (I don't know why people never realized it was sort of not there. Thank you high school drama competitions?), go home, bitch to thyself, maybe shed a few tears and then chill for a while. Next day? Everything is A-OK.

This is my life.

The facade is tiring. But the real me is terrifying. Yes, ladies and gentlemen. Looks like I'm on my way to getting a mental disorder.

*Ponders*

I was trying to recall if I ever had periods of time where I don't remember what I was doing.
Why? : Symptom of Dissociative Identity Disorder (formerly and more famously known as Multiple Personalities.)
Answer: Nope. I remember each and every sordid detail of my life, including the past. Damn! Those violins are playing again. *Thinks Freud* Modern psychodynamic approach anyone?

Desire. I want to do so many things with my life and in order to get there I'll have to compete with others. Sure, I need to compete with myself first. But.. argh *thinks Asian background*.. why is it that we are so consciously aware of how we are all relative to one another?

My relatives:
Relatively fatter
Relatively average
Relatively jealous
Relatively sarcastic (pessimistic) or witty (optimistic)
Relatively musically inclined but not THERE

I need relatively SMARTER! No. I need super smart. And I'm not.

Boo-hoo! Sucks to be me?!

And then the guilt comes. What's making my life difficult? Is it:
(A) My grouchy but capable of high tolerance despite lots of misgivings and yet about to blow out of proportion personality
(B) My overtly pessimistic view of life
(C) My lower-than-thou self-confidence though hopefully will get there once I sort out this identity crisis
(D) All of the above and basically me.

I wish my locus of control were external. That way I won't have so many things eating at me because I blame myself for everything and anything. I want so badly to point the finger elsewhere but the guilt is so piercing that I can't bring myself to do it anymore.

I can do super hardworking and super nose-in-book girl. BUT, damn Intelligence Quotient doesn't move much.

Have I reached my academic potential already? Is this it for me?

Dear Miss Su,

I regret to advice that your application for admission to the Master of Psychology (Clinical) course at this University has been unsuccessful. Unfortunately, your academic results do not meet the entry standard for the course you have chosen.

83 is not good enough. But I'm getting there? Almost there? How about my passion? How about my curiousity and genuine interest in people, the way we interact and how many of the minute things change the way we think and feel in an instant? What about my desire for knowledge and the sadness which I see in people that makes me want to do something?

Nope. Not good enough. No wait, you don't even know if it's not good enough. I didn't get my chance to present my case, to show you how much this means to me and what I want to do if I'd been given the opportunity.

I am down. Frustrated, upset, annoyed and disappointed. But I'm still alive. Maybe and hopefully in a week or so I'll come to terms with the situation and know that I will just have to fight harder and go the longer and more difficult way to realize my dreams.

For now, I just need some sleep.

How can you be sparing people's feelings when you deny them?

Am in the middle of watching Tuesdays with Morrie. And this line struck me so hard I need to write down how I'm feeling.

You know how to react when people come to you in tears or make a move to give you a hug when times are crappy and you're on the verge of bashing your brains out coz something didn't happen your way?

Do you know? I mean, how to react?

Do you shy away because you're not a "touchy-feely" person. Tears make you uncomfortable? You think they're a sign of weakness and you're such a failure you don't need comfort coz that makes you even more of a wuss (i.e., you can't even suck it up and get on with life coz you're too weak of a person?)

Are you just not an affectionate person OR are you instead, you know perhaps, just afraid? Scared?

Do we really relieve people's problems by not talking to them about it coz we don't want to hurt them more by doing so? Telling them it's nothing when it is SOMETHING! Not acknowledging their concerns when they're obviously upset?

None of that business about "You're making a big deal out of nothing."! When people have problems, don't focus so much on what makes the problems straight off the bat. Focus on how they're feeling. Confused, angry, upset, annoyed, guilty, betrayed, frustrated. Whatever it is, it's already there and it is some big deal if the person trusts you enough to convey these feelings so listen up. The feelings are amplified and they're hurting.

---------------------

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Howard.

Howard who?

Howard you feeling today?

--------------------

How are you feeling today my dear friends :)

The Reality of Depression

Most recently I've started volunteering at a not-for-profit organisation. As a volunteer, my job is basically to moderate the messageboards, reply to emails and chat with the members of the forum. Sounds easy? Working there brings forum moderating to another level. After having completed training and a few sessions with our Volunteer Coordinator, I was ready to go on my first solo shift last night.

Remember this: Never again will there be any simple remarks about being "depressed". These members have it tough. Depression is serious and it's nothing anyone could ever imagine unless they've experienced it. 10pm, I was ready for a couple of people to say they were feeling down or having a bad day coz that's what usually happens and has happened during my training shifts.


I had three people telling me they felt suicidal last night.


"HELP! What do I do?"


The chat requests came one after another, the next one more serious than the previous. I thought my head was going to explode! I managed to keep calm and went through the procedures.

"I don't trust them."

"I'm sick of hospitals and medicine."

"My psydoc doesn't understand me."


None of them worked. Do you understand how hard it is for them to get by each day without feeling like giving up? Honestly, I didn't until last night. Not even during training where it wasn't in any way as intense as what happened.

My shift ended up at 4am, tried to stay up till the Coordinator arrived at the office (7.30am) but fell asleep a bit before that, thinking about these members.

1.30pm - Are they alive? I hope no one ended their life last night.

"Yes, they are alright. Don't worry."

Thanks to my Coordinator who sent me a lengthy email to talk me through this experience. It was an intense and worrying night, but I came away being more confident, and knowing that I will be able to handle a situation where the best you can do is to support people.

At the moment, you can only hope they will get through tough times, even if it's just for another day. I can't wait to get qualified as a practicing psychologist to do more.

*Quotes in text are not direct replications of statements made (i.e., they are fiction) but are generated to depict as accurately as possible the thoughts and feelings of persons involved.

P is for Psychology

Psychology is swinging with Ps. There's the People, and the Proper way you have to conduct therapy. There's the study of human Personality and the Passion you're required to have for people. Then there's always the good Pay of course :)

Is Psychology a Science? I think that's a hard question to answer. It's like a Science, but not. The common conception is that people think that Science is exact. You can calculate masses and the speed of light. You can measure how long it will take for a car to get from point A to point B. Water is H2O.

Everything is so definite. Or is it?
What's contaminated water? Sea water? Drinking water? Tap water?
Depression - Major, Bipolar, Manic

What's a computer? All the gibberish parts I don't know the names of.
Personality - N, E, O, C, A.

P is for Psychology. Nothing is definite. P is for Probability - data, human nature, everything in this life.

Semester One Results 2007

75 Advanced Quantitative Methods Distinction
82 Psychological Assessment Distinction
85 Contemporary Psychology High Distinction

Should've done better for Psych Assessment. Better than expected for AQM :)

The problem with psychologists...

Author's Note: This excerpt is written solely for entertainment purposes. If you are here to gain accurate insight on a psychologist's life, my advice is to turn back and hit the books, all the advice in the world won't get you that High Distinction. Many thanks (and apologies for stealing an idea :P) to Yen Khai and Zhung for their insight into the problem with photographers and accountants.

Psychologists extend a helping hand, an arm, a leg, stinky feet topped with a sprinkle of kind words. The Psychologist is understanding, warm, kind, mindful of your feelings and is like the bestfriend, mom, husband, wife, dad, sibling, dog that you never had. The Psychologist also thrives under your concerns, your problems, your fights, your worries, your illnesses. The Psychologist prides herself for all the secrets, revenge, tears, murder plots, and suicidal attempts she keeps under wraps.

Ladies and gentlemen,

That grandmother-looking, dimpley-smiling, cookie-baking worry-banisher is also a Matryr. She echoes your painful words, make your problems bigger than life, picks at the nitty gritty details - for what? To make sure you make good use of the ten 120 dollar-hour sessions you spend with her. Do you think it's so easy talking to a stranger?

Hark!

Here is a human who does nothing but listen, molly-cuddle, pats you on the head and says, "Fuck that bastard! He shouldn't have done that to you!" Or you imagined she said that anyways. The Psychologist is that powerful. She makes the weak stronger, the impossible possible. Don't feel like living? The Psychologist will make you see life differently. Don't know why you're depressed? The Psychologist knows it's either the neglective mother, the paedophillic father, the unfaithful husband, two skanky wives or again, that fuckin' bastard. Feel no motivation? The Psychologist has several pairs of pom poms, banners, chocolate, ice cream, whistles, streamers and all sorts of paraphernalia to form your very own one-woman(man) cheering squad.

The Psychiatrist says, “Here’s a pill. Take that, twice a day everyday. If you are co-dependent, get someone to feed you. If you don’t feel better after two weeks, come back for more pills.”

The Behaviourist says, “You must stop eating!” (I hate that!)

The Psychoanalyst says, “Now, let’s see what Freud thinks..” Huh? Who the heck is Freud? Who needs an old man to tell me what I think!

Have no fear! The Psychologist is here to hold your hand, to stop you taking those pills and to make sure you get that bitchin’ body without having to dread “D-I-E-T” (Oh, you still have to do it, but the thing is, you’ll actually enjoy it! :P We’re brilliant like that). We solve our own problems, wipe away the tears, never seem to fall. We’re those happy-go-lucky souls skipping about in pretty silk dresses, hands bequeath with magical wands and halos on our heads.

The Psychologist does not have worries, problems, concerns etc. Why? Simply because she is The Psychologist and her job is to solve, clear away and minimize fears. The Psychologist makes sure the world does not come crashing down, makes you want to live again, banishes evil spirits and thoughts.

Ladies and gentlemen,

The Psychologist is not only a Friend, a Saviour, a Martyr; she is also an Angel :)

Bloody cold weather..

ACHOO!

Ok. Not sick. YET.

Was speaking to Sabrina (Woon) just now and received great insight. Apparently I havent been blogging much about my life. Err.. that's because I don't have one? Well, not one that's too interesting to blog about every other day anyways. But I guess once a fortnight would be ok.

Main thing going on right now:
Fourth year at Swinburne. Met a couple of nice girls - Sneha from Hong Kong, Vanessa and Lynn from around here. Yes, after four years in Melbourne, Vanessa and Lynn are the only Australian friends I've ever made. LOL. Sad but true unfortunately. It's good to have people to talk to in a new place. Less lonely, feels better to have people comparing notes and battling the same course. Swinburne has surprisingly been really good. Much better than I expected. Honestly speaking, I didn't expect the standard to be good in anyway. Coming from Melbourne, I admit I was being snobbish about it. But you know what? Swinburne proved me wrong in so many ways!

The most obvious fact is the great teaching! Compared to Melbourne where half the lecturers were boring, I only found one lecturer appalling in Swinburne so far. Oh, it's not me :P There's a general consensus on who that is :P The lecturer is a nice person though. The tutors here are awesome too! Heck, they didn't give out mobile numbers in Melbourne. Melissa especially, is easily the best tutor I've ever had. It's too bad she's only sessional staff, she would've been a great lecturer. I'm also very impressed that Swinburne gave the Psych faculty so much budget to have us all have the chance to administer the WAIS, NEO and SDS. This is the first time I feel that we're really getting our money's worth of learning and practical use of psych assessments.

The second fact is Ben my supervisor. He's damn smart, resourceful and completely anal. You ask, is that good thing? Definitely! He likes giving lenghty explanations to every question I ask - just how I like it, and he's very very precise. Very demanding and yet not in a pushy way. He keeps us (me and Vanessa share the same supervisor) on track all the time and he likes getting things done quickly. Oh yes, it helps that he's into Music and graduated from Melbourne ;) Gives us something to talk about. It's good that he's quite young too (30 I think?). Easier to relate to.

Second main thing going on:
EXAMS! Assignments-which-drove-me-crazy-but-I-actually-finished-three-days-early-for once! More about these when they're done and I don't have to actually talk about them anymore coz it gets depressing :P

Third main thing(s?):
Internships! I applied for internships at Personnnel Decisions International (PDI) and PsychPress - both 6 months long and once a week. I've gotten through the first three stages for PDI, first two for PsychPress. Attended an assessment centre for PDI last Thursday - nearly fainted from nervousness. I think I did pretty well on the tests - Advanced Raven's Progressive Matrices, ACER Verbal Ability Test and ACER Clerical Accuracy Test. The fourth was Hogan's Personality Inventory which apparently one of the hotshots in the company was obssessed with. According to Lucy Lake the Internship Coordinator, that's why they dropped Cattell's 16PF and started using Hogan's instead. The final part of the assessment was also the most horrendous. I was expecting a group activity instead we were given a group discussion. I was afraid something like this would happen. The girls at my table were horrifically chatty! How are you suppose to get a word in when there are three people who like dominating the conversation? -.- I think I only got a few sentences out towards the end. I just couldn't bring myself to say "Oh, coz we're the 'face' of PDI" which sounded fake and cheesy to me :/ Say it for the sake of saying it? I just couldn't. I didn't feel that way. Ugh. Interview for PsychPress on Monday. ARGH. I hate selling myself to people. Hey, if nothing works out, at least this experience got me to buy myself a new blazer :P

Fourth main thing:
Holidays!
This year I'm not going home during winter break. Not the first time. But it IS the first time I'll be alone here as Annie has decided to fly home. I'm gonna stay and get some testing done for my thesis experiment and also get a head start in writing the method and perhaps some of the introduction. I will only be taking trips to Perth (21st-26th June) and Sydney (8th-13th July) to visit Vera and with Tsu Ann, Chandra and some other girls for breaks in between work. I really hope to get one of those internships, so I hope nothing clashes. Otherwise, I'll have to think of something else to put in my resume. Lifeline is out of the question now - two years commitment is ridiculous. I might just sign up for voluntary work at Salvation Army or Red Cross, or try depression et as recommended by Sneha. Oh yes.. one other thing during the holidays - volunteer at the Interstate MASCA games from 30th June to 3rd July. :D Thanks for the notice Sabrina!

So yea.. that's what's been going on in my life lately..

Other leisurely activities have included watching Spiderman 3 and Pirates 3 - both of which were not as exciting as expected. Looking forward to Shrek 3 and the new Harry Potter book. Can't bring myself to get excited about the HP movie though. I can already predict the reviews - butchered story and bad acting. Thank god for J.K. Rowling and her wonderful-but-getting-long-winded writing.

I love my busy busy life! Don't you? Yours I mean. Not mine.

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.

Binary: For or Against?

Nothing is ever just black or white. Not even the laws that govern us. I'd say from the moment we were born, we're forced to see gray(sp?) whether we like it or not. Then the rest of our lives we spend, trying to categorize them into good or bad.

Forensic psychology tests the black and white of humans' most heinous acts. It scribbles, erases and rearranges the outcomes of jurisdiction depending on who the better lawyer is and the nature of each of the listening juries.

"Acquittal by virtue of insanity" is so convenient that its application has to undergo proper discretion and even more consideration. What is insanity? Like many things in life, the definition of this term is neither black nor white. The mere ruling that the charged had to "not know the act he commited was wrong" disposes any likely chance that he is innocent. True to this fact, there have been by far only a handful of cases whereby the perpetrator is pronounced "not guilty".

I am neither in support nor against this plea of insanity. The point to make here is, once the decision has been passed, people are unlikely to take on a different perspective. The gray matter is not a favoured causatum. It not even considered an outcome. Which is why people go about their lives searching for answers that never seem to be there.

Once we have found answers, be them black or white, we are likely to cling on. The inflexibility decreeds us from thinking and taking different perspectives because the bewitchery of clear cut directions comes with alluring stability and a clearer picture. It is this urgence to label that we toss the "insane" into pigeon holes and sentence them to a life of repeated offending when some, and I repeat SOME, could have been saved bereft hasty resolve.

100100 110110 101101 01010 011011 110110 100100 110110
Binary?

Try mixing the black and white :)

When the going gets tough....

I'm not getting anywhere!

Well.. I'm making SOME progress I guess..

I've not been blogging lately because there's too much to do and too many things to stress about. If I'd blogged everyday for the past week, it has to be one hell of a stressed blog log. I decided I didn't want to read back on my posts one day and see a record of such depressing stuff. So yea, no go.

Busy?

Yes, very.

My supervisor is a really really nice guy. He's from Melb Uni as well, he's young, he's helpful, he's enthusiastic, he's resourceful. Are you sensing a BUT in there somewhere? Well.. he is PERHAPS a little too enthusiastic. No problem with that under normal circumstances, but this moving house thing is driving me crazy. The "unavoidable circumstances" just keep coming. First it's the property delay then now there's a phone line problem which is just as worse. Come on, what do all research students need most? Research papers! And where to get them? ONLINE!

No phone line = No Internet

Ok. Like I said, no extensive record on bad stuff. I just want the phone line fixed!

Otherwise, Ben is the supervisor I wished for. He keeps me on track, gives me a lot of resources and handy tips. The most important thing is, he makes me believe that I know what I'm doing. Which I probably am but just doesn't feel like it these days. He gives me things to do each week to the extent that we are three weeks ahead of schedule on the list of things we need to do for the research. For the past hour I've practically filled in 80% of the ethics application which needs to be filed two weeks from now. Tonight's work will be re-drafting the proposal and going into depth on some of the literature. Over the weekend I could fiddle more with the GNAT program and figure out a solid design for our experiment.

Gosh, I can't believe I have yet to explain what my research is about in detail. I suppose I could always post up my thesis proposal when I finalize it tonight.

At the mean time.. I need to make sure I can get online next week :/ good luck to that!

Am I getting anywhere? I sure hope so.

I'm so typical..

Oh wait.. you mean.. you didn't know that?

Ha-Ha, very funny.

We're all inclined to feel that we're special in one way or the other. Oh ok. Maybe not ALL of us, but mostly. Would you agree?

Self-enhancement
Better-than-average
Egocentricism

It's some deluded sense of self to boost our feeling of worth.

Today I was in Borders. AGAIN. Fourth day. Everyday since Friday, I've been in Borders for the entire afternoon. And if that's not typical enough. Regular cafe latte without fail. Book without fail. GRE-ing without fail. Don't kid me. This isn't discipline. This is called "Having nothing better to do!"

That's how typical my life is these days.

Well, considering that I'll be sitting for GRE on the 28th of April, it's what I should be doing. I wish it were this clear cut for my thesis though. I feel like I'm still on holiday.

Speaking of holidays, I officially detest Labour Day. Well, this year at least. It's so inconvenient. Frustration levels at the maximum, why do they even need Labour Day here?! 11-to-5 hours not enough of a holiday?! Give it a break!

I went to Milano to gather the necessary details to get a bank cheque to pay the upcoming rent. Holiday, 12th AND 13th March. -.-" Like one day isn't enough. And then, stupidly, carrying some large sum of money in my wallet, I strolled to the bank, only to find it closed as well.

Zoning out in Borders is not a regular thing, but when I woke up, it was 4pm already. I thought I should get a coffee so that I would last the night.

Cafe latte, received at 4.15pm.

Scorched myself trying to get it down while packing up my stuff and getting to Fitness First.

ONLY....

to find that group fitness classes have been cancelled for the day because the instructors are on Labour Day BREAK!

!@$#$@#@#%#@%

Yeah. That was the last straw -.-"

The highlight of the day was meeting Yen Min as I was exiting Melbourne Central. We stood there for an hour just talking. Funny how you can talk to some people for hours and some others you just don't know what to say at all. Yen Min and I haven't been close during the time of CMG's production. Anyhow, she's been one of the few people who I can have a decent conversation with without wanting to leave.

It's always good to see a friendly face.

Flurry..

I went to the new Body Jam launch today. At 7.30. PM. Late class. Lots of people.

There's something funny about listening to two guys whispering sweet nothings to each other. I can't really describe it. Especially when I could practically hear everything they were saying.

"If a girl looked at my boyfriend like that I would get really pissed."

Woah.

Ok. Scenario noted. Anyone else feel this way? A little more thinking, a little less looking.

This was why I dare not turn to look at them.

One of them ended up joining the class as well, but only after a big smacker from the boyfriend before entering.

Today's workout was totally whacked!! Both Natalie and Paul were there just to make sure we weren't going to kill each other over space. Ok, maybe not. But centre stage was crawling with people. I had no idea so many people could fit into such a small space. I wandered off a little from the back to the left side of things. As there was a huge pillar blocking my vision, I had a pretty big piece of floor to my dispense. The trick is to know the class and imitate the "experts" - there's this girl who has "cheerleader" written all over her. It's impossible to see the instructors with so many feet covering your view; student alternatives are the better choice on the crowded dance floor.

The tempo's really fast. What a mix of latin, country and krumping! Yes, we learned to krump. Only, after getting the intense choreography, I had hardly any energy left to "krump" therefore being rather half-hearted after that. I suppose it helps if I'm angry. But no reason to be angry today. Besides, that would give Chand more reason to pull off my white hairs one by one like what she did during Yan Yao's housewarming.

Bear with me, I'm talking at random here.

Yan Yao and family moved a tad bit further from where they used to stay, which is actually very far in the first place. Glen Waverley itself. Funny us. Tsu Ann, Chandra, Natasha, Huey Koon and I boarded the train at 11 and arrived at Yan Yao's place at 1pm. Why is that? Because we caught the wrong bus at the train station! 5 people, and we all got it wrong. Ended up making a loop on the bus, causing some sleepiness and nausea (in my case) on the way. I looked out the window and saw..... MONASH!

We were clearly lost. We ended up at a place at the beginning of Zone 2 when we were suppose to be at the other end of the world (not quite, but you get the idea). After some frantic discussion and a bewildered bus driver, Lonsdale Crescent did not exist! Quite appropriate, coz it's actually called LANsdale Crescent -.-"

When we finally arrived (15 minutes walk from Knox City?), woah! it was "Wasp"land.

1) They are carnivorous. Don't worry, no one got eaten.
2) They dont die.

There were heaps of them! Having a barbeque pit and lots of fruit (plus mango cake) did not help. We settled down (after introductions to Yan Yao's ed. friends) to a somewhat fidgety lunch as Natasha, Chand and Huey Koon had bad cases of Wasphobia. For some reason, those things wouldn't stop pestering them!

After a few interrupted moments, we decided to retire into the lounge room. There were two sides really - one with very comfy chairs (we nearly fell asleep - I tried but Chand wouldn't let me!) and the other with really nice carpet (real soft to the feet) and interior design. There were actually 4 lion heads displayed around the house. Err.. By lion heads I mean the lion dance ones, not Safari-Africa kinds. And no, I did not bring my camera! ARGH!

Here I go again.

Studying in Swinburne still feels a bit funny. I haven't really explored the place other than the BA, EN and LB building which by the way are the Business and Arts, Engineering North and Library building. Yeap, everything is abbreviated as opposed to the Baldwin Spencer, Copland and Russell Lowe which I'm so used to.

BUT, I still get to use the comp lab in Redmond Barry (here's another one) :P Annie has access.

My newer friends include Sneha, Vanessa and Lynn - all from Monash. I haven't really gotten to know them all that well yet but it was nice of them to invite me to join their study group - which I gladly accepted. Going it alone could prove disastrous in a new environment. We will be discussing the Multiple Regression assignment next week. I'm still quiet at this point, don't know what's taking me so long to come out of my shell.

The lecturers and tutors are pretty nice and helpful. Looks like my supervisor will be Dr. Williams (Ben). I'm still deciding on a "Humaness" project vs. a Music preference (personality) project.

Train rides to Swinburne are long sometimes. Was lucky to have caught two Expresses today - not too draggy. Read and studied for a bit at Borders and special ordered (shhhhhh..) a Libera CD for Qijian. Now all I have to do is get an address somehow.

Time for stats~
Tabachnick and Fidell - Data Screening.
Ciao!