27th March 2009

Lately my mood has been fluctuating between downright low and anxious, "safe" and with glimpses of hope.. only to plunge back down again.

What a rollercoaster ride!

Few things that are causing stress:
1) Myself
2) Placement
3) Uni
4) My health
5) Placement
6) Placement
7) Placement

I think I'm giving myself too much pressure. I think I'm not capable enough. I think I should just give up. I think I'm not good enough for this.

Then...

I think I should let myself breathe one in a while. I think this too shall pass. I think that I've never given up on anything before, so why now? I think I will be good in time.

I think I think.. .

Yeah.. someone do cognitive-behavioural therapy on me!

Just because

What's she doing there?
Why didn't you tell me?
Maybe it's because you knew this
is what I would ask.
What's she to you?
Why didn't I know?
Maybe it because you knew this
is how I would react.

What's she got that I don't?
Why don't you tell me?
Maybe it's because
I already know
What are you up to?
Why won't you tell me?
Just because
you don't need me anymore.

It was only a couple of months back really..

We met under precarious circumstances. For him at least. Me? Life is always a challenge, so nothing new there.

I remember we talked about this girl who he very much loved I'm not sure what happened between us. Actually, I do know, but part of me wants to pretend that I don't. He was useful because I need to be trusted. And he needed to trust after having been battered to the last of his wits. And there I was.

I do that a lot you know. Handing trust on a silver platter. Should he have been afraid? I still do not think so, but my faith wanders every now and again. That's just for me to feel better you know. Because in the end I'm the one who is alone, like I always was. And I despair to think that I might always be. But that's another story.

Of course, he was kind enough. He must be. I never take interest in those who haven't a decent bone in them. There are those people, rare, but there are out there all the same. I takes effort to be all bad I feel. We are human after all. He told me about possibilities and dreams amidst the doubt and gloominess. With all the attention, I started to hope again, knowing very well that faith borne from vulnerability is really more of a need not a want.

So now I am sitting here again, and the end of a chapter, with blank pages ahead. No foreseeable direction to the next piece of the plot in life. I am grateful though, for those people who are constant, fading in and out of this long journey of mine. Never seeming to mind when I disappear into my own world now and again, sometimes for months. never begrudging me of the times where I forget about them, and turn up only in times of need. Thank you is not enough but all I know how to begin. And you can be assured that there is no end to that appreciation, no matter how unclear it seems.