Never Gone

Never gone, never far.. in my heart is where you are.

Unfortunately, this sentiment doesn't apply to my blog. *blows dust*

Can't remember when was the last time I wrote, and cannot be bothered to check the date of the last post.

Work is terribly mundane.

Melbourne has become such a

lonely

place.

How long will I last here?

Hollow in the Heart

As most Mirians would be aware of, there has been a horrifying case of rape and murder recently.
The girl named Tiffany Wong, a recent graduate from St. Joseph Miri met with death by the hands of her friend. In my opinion, this was a case of intentional murder and that is what's terrifying. Along with the emotional repercussions of the case, another point of interest was the motive and the intention of the alleged (and anyone from home would argue 'definite') murderer.

From rumous and news reports we have gathered:  
a) He was a childhood friend (point of interest: how close were they really? had they been friends all along? case in point: it appears that swhe had wished him a happy birthday sometime in November last year. However, assuming that we have a different mentality as to what friendship is, she seems to be an individual (based on age, the number of FB friends she has, and the number of pictures she takes) who is likely to wish anyone within relative close proximity (let's narrow this down to secondary school friends including seniors and juniors, as well as primary school friends who have gone on to the same secondary school which includes the alleged murderer). Was he a part of her group of friends or merely an acquaintance that she knew since childhood? As I'm considering this point, I'm thinking about the numerous people I know from childhood and have been in the same school but only consider as acquaintances and not "friend".)

b) They have mutual friends (Based on comments on FB, 3rd degree association - "I know that guy too." (knowing both the victim and the prepetrator as members of the same school), 2nd degree association - "He is another friend" (being friends with both victim and prepetrator). At this point, we may establish that they share at best a cordial relationship, or have mutual friends within the same class/school.

c) He had a crush on her that was never reciprocated. (Missing information: Had he perhaps professed his love to her prior and was rejected? Or was this one of those instances where it is unrequitted because he's never had the cojones to do anything? Was he out of her league? Again, based on the number of friends he has (99- before the account was deactivated, present - probably none), compared to the number she had (1095), it would seem that she was Miss cheery and popular, while he remains relatively in the background.

d) She was going to meet a friend who had her result slip OR she was going to school to collect her result slip
(i) If she was going to meet a friend who had her result slip because her father wanted to see it (again, info gathered from various forums)
Points of interest:
did the friend know she was going to get a ride from the guy? if so, she would have clued the parents in as to her whereabouts
why was her result slip with her friend? and if so, did the school release her results to her friend, are they allowed to do that? (just curious) OR she gathered her results and left it with her friend (why though? had she forgotten? or were her results less than desirable for parental viewing? it appears that she scored 4As, which is better than what I did, but then again, I wasn't at home to face the warth of my parents when they found out)
(ii) If she was going to school to collect her result slip, did she call the guy to pick her up? if not, how did he just magically show up at her place to offer her a ride? At this point, perhaps we can establish that they had been exchanging text messages, so what does that tell us about their friendship? probably closer than just a cordial friendship re: back to point (b), or she's just a super friendly girl

e) She had willingly gotten into his car, witnessed by mother. Again, none of her friends could attest to knowing a mutual friend owning a grey Waja/Toyota (hate newspapers and confusing facts). So what can we deduce from this? He DOES not run in her circle of friends/it's a car they've never seen him drive before, in which case, he must have done some planning to ensure that he couldn't be traced/identified, but for what? maybe not murder, but certainly having the purpose to do something untoward to this poor girl.

f) Her mother did not know who she was going out with, or who she was meeting. This is presumably (as is the case nowadays) due to current casual parental attitudes and the sheer number of casual friendships young people seem to have nowadays. Your parents won't know all your friends, and they do not bother to ask you where you are and what you're doing. We could perhaps assume that (i) she's a good girl who doesn't need monitoring, (ii) being in Miri gives us a false sense of security as to its surroundings and the character of the people, (iii) her parents do not know about her activities which seem to include at least on ONE occasion getting drunk to the extent that as one friend put it "kiss her till she also don't know", and "singing k till midnight". At this point I'd like to thank my father for calling me at the age of 25, while in Miri, when I'm not back by 12am, after only being out at 8pm and questioning me incessantly if I head out after 9pm.

I put to the public that 
a) He drove her away, intending to perhaps declare his love for her, and most certainly elicit some kind of sexual favour from her
b) The best case scenario for him is that she would agree, and then they would begin a relationship.
c) The girl does not seem like someone who WOULD consent to any sexual favours, because
(i) She appears to be a decent girl (tell me if I'm overestimating her integrity just by deducing from her pictures and statements from her friends, although I may be biased towards band members)
(ii) It seems that she has a boyfriend and he looks to be a decent guy too (again speculation)
d) So if he drove her out with the intention of currying sexual favour, knowing these points about her (being her friend), how did he guesstimate his chances of succeeding to be? Surely none or remotely close to that? 

Therefore, assuming that he knew he had less than a 5% chance of succeeding, did he not think what he was going to do to keep her from ratting on him? Unless he was clearly the brainless imbecile people are making him out to be, then the probable chances of her coming out alive from this from the moment he offered her a ride was close to none. Doesn't this then, make it premeditative murder?

To put it simply, here are possible thoughts:
"I'll tell her I love her, have sex with her, we live happily ever after"
"I'll tell her I love her, ask her if she'll have sex with me, and if she says no we'll just let it be without anyone knowing"
"I'll tell her I love her, ask her if she'll have sex with me, and if she says no I'll let her go and don't mind if she tells the world what I just asked her"
"I'll tell her I love her, force her to have sex with me, then let her go and hope she won't tell"
"I'll tell her I love her, force her to have sex with me, then let her go so she can tell the world"
"I'll tell her I love her, force her to have sex with me, kill her so that she doesn't tell"

Which of these seem likely to you?

Safety is of the essence
Because there is relatively nothing we can do once we step into a car belonging to the person who intends to kill us, what other safety precautions can we take BEFORE we make that decision?
1) Tell your parents where you're going and who you're out with
2) Let your friends know at the very least
3) Do not trust anyone beyond your circle of closest friends
4) Your classmate who says hi to you is NOT your 'close friend'
5) Do not assume your childhood friend who you've seen in waist-line pants and pigtails remain the same
6) Make sure you have trusted people on speed dial
7) Do not go to any remote areas with guy friends
8) Better still, if you seriously do not know the guy well AND he has a girlfriend and offers you a ride, say NO, or bring a girl friend along.
9) NO ONE is decent by association, just because he's your bestfriend's boyfriend or good friend or whatever friend does not make it safe, so don't get in.

To be honest, if a guy asked me for a sexual favour I'd rather grab his steering wheel and risk having the both of us perish in an accident than having him try to rape me or murder me after. The saddest thing is, she COULDN'T have known his intentions. But now that this has happened in non-happening Miri, everyone (I don't discount guys) should keep these motives in mind. Remember, anyone who dares to even ask cannot be trusted. I don't care if "it's mens' nature, they can't help themselves" as some people put it on the forums. We are all capable of self-control so that's bullshit. 

NEXT!!

Work. All work and no play makes Jack, Jill and Humpty Dumpty dull. I'm just thinking, hey, I would like to remember what my first official day (according to the contract, that is) was like. When I look back 30 years from now on my retirement day, I want to remember everything - not knowing anything, feeling nervous and a tad bit scared but surprisingly non-heart thumping experience. This marks my first day of taking responsibility, real accountability for my work and my actions, and most importantly the first day of what I hope to be of some contribution to this field.

Almost immediately I'm taken by the relaxed atmosphere of the place. No one seems to be in a hurry and that's a strange feeling for me. No stress, no pressure - easy transition to the workplace. Is this some kind of trick? Where's the crisis? Where's the action?' I thought to myself. I wanted to jump in immediately! Rearing to go after almost a year's hiatus from psychology!

Pause.

I reminded myself. No brash decisions, no quick judgments, keep your mind open to the experience and equip yourself with the time and resources given before you're ready to execute informed actions. There is a lot to learn, and a lot of questions to ask. And of course, there is the people. Respect, integrity and responsibility. I got to know a few clients today. Open your eyes, ears and heart. Don't be blinded by the illness, look at the effort. Never just hear; listen. Don't just read the history, notes and files; ask for thoughts, emotions and strengths.

When I look back one day, I wanted to know that I remembered to practice these principles and know that I upheld them as best as I could from the first day.

Next stage of life, Helen. Stand up tall and take in everything. It's the beginning of what you've always wanted. Pat on the back for making it happen. And now? Go do what's meant for you and love it :)

Hak Keistimewaan

Yesterday morning I met Lilian. Lilian is of Kenyah lineage. She and her father walked from Pujut to the Court Complex in town because they cannot afford a car. 

Yesterday evening I met Hati. Hati runs a cucur pisang stall on the roadside in order to send her children to school.

Does this sound right to you?

Do you mean what you ask or are you just BS-ing me..

There is a dilemma every year I come home. A lot of people make it very difficult to want to stay for a long time because of the questions they ask, the pretence they put up and the false graciousness they try to portray when they perfectly well know in the next few seconds, they'll turn around and whisper about you behind your back.

In the case of "Surviving Bitches 101", it is cautioned that when people ask you anything along the lines of "What's being overseas like?", you should make no mention of the nice weather and the vast opportunities (although I'm obviously making that point here). Instead, you should make like it's no big deal and for good measure, profess that you'd much rather be here because people are friendlier.

When responding to this question in genuine fashion (none of which they really want to know), it does not mean we dislike Miri or think it worst. It is our hometown, it is our family and in some case, good friends who do not take the same liberty as you do in devaluing our experiences abroad and only wish us the very best while trusting that we do not ever forget that the strongest of a lifetime of friendships is built here in this once small town. It is precisely people like YOU that make living here unpleasant.

We realize there is no win-win situation when you put forth this question. When we answer you openly and objectively about the 11 months a year we spend across the big bad oceans, you perceive us as abandoning our roots for greener grass. I do not want to pretend that there are not countless of gains I have made in the country Down Under, but I want to tell you that leaving our parents at home for the most part of the year is not an easy decision and often is the decision made to stay abroad is based on repaying their generosity and in most cases, sacrifice. Do not think for one moment that when we start saying FUCK we have forgotten how to say Chaocibai with the capital C.

And do not be under the false assumption that living the high life is what we are doing over there. You see the difference in income and fixate on that because our government has squandered everything we earned for the past 50 years. This is not our fault. You see the difference in manner and make fun of improved English because the education system required no such fluency during our school years. This is not our fault. What you do not see, is the rent raised so sky-high it'll surpass the Twin Towers soon, and also the bills, ridiculous fuel charges, AUD5 minimum per hour parking and for those of us who work exhausting 8 to 5 day jobs without the courtesy kopitiam break, 'snake-ing' and expansive lunch hours to go home with takeaway costing 18% of the income we make per month. To be fair (in your backstabbing) language, this is not anyone's fault but our own for the choice we made to stay in someone else's land. In places where you have to fight because you are also minority, because they cannot understand your accent and because no one else will fight for you, just as no one does for you in Malaysia. But then this is the path we have chosen and are happy with, we only wonder what is it that you regret about the path you have chosen for yourself to have to kick us in the behind and give us grief every opportunity you have.

So the other alternative is to say as little as possible when you pose that question. This response I know has and will elicit opinions that I "diao ge" as you put it. But by now I have learnt that you do not really want to hear how good the weather is over there.  

On this very Aussie day...

as I watched the fireworks go off a minute ago, I started humming the Aussie national anthem. Granted, I still don't know the words except "Advance Australia fair" at the end. I don't know if it's because we were singing karaoke this afternoon or something else in me. Anyhow, it left me wondering where my place is at this moment in time. Who am I, where do I belong, where I want to be and what I want to be.

New Year's Day fireworks was fantastic! I enjoyed every minute of it, despite the ugly weather both heat and rain.

Then there is always Chinese New Year at home which I enjoy every year, even just "competing" with the neighbours to see who's the loudest!

But what of Merdeka (Malaysian Independence Day)? It struck me that I did nothing to commemerate the day except ask myself for 5 minutes, what's the point of celebrating? And then, on Malaysia Day (the day on which Malaysia was formed), the only thing I let up was a Facebook status, asking West Malaysians not to forget about those of us on the other side of South China Sea. True to form, I had a bunch of East Malaysian friends who "Like"d it and found it hilarious.

I still know I wouldn't give up my passport. But I think it would take a whole lot more now than 3 years ago to convince me that all that Malaysia is still worth fighting for. My only fear is what I would be thinking in another 7 years time. In this instance, I am grateful for the fear I still have, of losing faith in my country as we know, it is indifference that will tip the scales for any anak Malaysia abroad.

Adventures of Grandpa's Ghost

I dreamt of Grandpa last night. He came back to us, in ghost form. He was looking for ‘small Annie’. Only problem, ‘small Annie’ is not exactly small anymore. He stood between my unsuspecting parents in the driveway, listening in on our conversations. This gave mom a bit of a fright. Had she or had she not said something about Grandapa since his passing? The mark of a gossip that is – to be more horrified at the idea that the ghost has heard an unsavoury remark rather than the ghost himself. But that’s ok, so Grandpa says. Her cooking is really good. Especially those dead-man muffins. You know, the white ones and those coloured in putrid pink.

He actually eats them? I ask.

Mom calls me a silly child, didn’t I always notice that they were intact after prayer?

They smell heavenly though, says Grandpa. When you’re dead you can’t taste anything. Great sense of smell though.

Had I always been able to See? Had I always seen him? Well, not till now really. It’s been 9 years now. Where had he been? To China. How typical. For all these years? Well yes, assuming Grandma headed that way. Where is she now? I stare behind him, thinking she might be hiding somewhere. Ran off with a general. Always been a runner that one. You do know she ran here all the way from China didn’t you? With you, Grandpa? I thought you met here. No, with some other bloke. Alas, poor man didn’t have my good looks.

Mom interrupts in a whisper, why’s he come back?

He can hear you, you know.

Well, then?

He’s come to see if we’re ok and was surprised to find the house empty. We’ve been away, To Paris.

Ah.. Nice place Paris, says Grandpa. Rude people though.

You went to Paris?!

Just a short detour from China.

I know my geography Grandpa. Paris is wayyyy over on the other side.

So back to the questions. How could I see him? Do I have the Gift?

Well, most children can really.

I’m not a child!

And the innocent, he added quickly. Not naïve. Just those who are you know, pure.

Grandpa!!!! I look at my parents. They do NOT need to know about my sex life.

No, not sex. It’s more than that. Anyway, I probably won’t seem as clear to you as I would the other two.

So if I can see you then.. what about that evil woman who haunted me? Does this mean you’re haunting us? (Yay!)

Ghosts who haunt are those without friends. Grandma was right to rub burnt ashes across your forehead. Turned her off. Strong sense of smell. Each to their own dislikes. Garlic useful for some.
I’ve been sleeping in the garden shed for the past week, waiting for you. So can I see ‘small Annie’ now? Something to ask her.

Almost there - Clinically Certified (Part 2): Acceptance

Date: 21st December, 2007

Sitting on stacked mattresses on the floor in Lik Hwan's room in Subang Jaya, KL. Four days to Christmas, on a visit to see Three great friends, Two great disappointments and One second away from the best news of the year.

Inbox.

Dear Helen

Just a brief email to let you know that you are being made an offer into the Master of Psychology (Clinical) at Deakin - congratulations!!!

I have notified Deakin International but it may take some time before the paperwork reaches you so I just wanted to let you know now, so you can have a happy new year, and get your visa paperwork moving along.

All the best, and I'll look forward to working with you in the new year.
:-)
Catherine

Yay!!!!!!!! Start calling people. Everyone, anyone who would listen. Best Christmas present ever (Not that I'd ever had many coz we don't celebrate Christmas). Only one thing in my mind: All. the. hard. work. has. paid. off! For the rest of the summer I forgot about Unimelb, Queensland, what have you. Screw that! I. have. a. shot. at. this! And that was all that mattered. Really. Little did I know I would struggle to convince myself of the same thing during the months to come.

People of the world!
Every boy and every girl!
Word of Advice (in Malaysian fashion):

Master of Psychology (Clinical), don't play play, k?
Banyak susah ni.
*swt*

The Wall

The wall stands there.
Something for you to lean on.
It doesn't move.
It's. Always. There.

And what do you do?
You keep knocking on it.
You move away, come back.
Move away, come back.
Knocking, knocking, knocking.

What do you expect to happen?
It crumbles.