When you can't sleep and there's an interview the next morning!

-Name? Helen, Chien Ya, Susu.. however you like it
-Age? 22 almost
-How old do you act? Some say 7, some say 700
-Gender? Gee.. I dont know really.. what do you think?
-Do you take on the stereotypical role of your gender? I don't shop, I don't wear make up or skirts. Does that answer your question?
-Sexual orientation? Experimental at the moment
- Are you a religious or spiritual person? Spiritual
-What religion do you follow? With regards to the above answer, Spirits?
-Zodiac sign? Leo. Grr.
-Do you even believe in astrology? Same as feng shui, only if it happens to be true on a particular day
-Are you an introvert or extrovert? It depends on whether I'm feeling insecure or not
-Which is more important to you; logic or faith? Faith
- Do you believe in aliens, ghosts, or anything paranormal? Ghosts

-How do you want to die? I dont want to die?
-When you die, would you rather be alone, or with those you love? Er. Like I would want anyone I love to die alongside!
-Do you cry a lot? Yes
-How can people tell if you're lying? Hahaha.. I don't know. Ask them. It seems that I suck at lying
-Do you talk more with verbal language... or body language? Body language
-How do you cope with depression? Cry and listen to sad songs, followed by angry songs, followed by happy silly songs like "Wouldn't it be nice if the world were Cadbury?!"
-How about stress? Go to the gym and hope that we're doing krumping that day
-Anger? Scream if no one else is around, otherwise i just step into the shower to cool off literally
-Jealousy? Act defensive and be upset, "woe-is-me" for a while then get over it till the next time
-Do friends "happen", or do you "choose" your friends? Just happens. It's impossible to choose
-What makes a good friend? Someone who is willing to listen. you'd be surprised at how many people dont nowadays.
-Do you consider yourself a good friend? I try to be
-Why or why not? Coz it's good to be?
-What are you known for around school or work? Old or new? Old- the one who has a pile of books on her desk but is always on the field. New- the one who is anal about lecture content and "seems" to know what to do
-If you had to label yourself as anything: Sad case, bitter humour, sarcastic humour, top of the world humour. ok, just humour then.

Are you...
-Secretive or open? Secretive
-Forgiving or ruthless? Forgiving but not forgetful
-Dominant or submissive? Depends
-Honest or a liar? Depends
-Strict or laid back? Depends
-Greedy or kind? DEPENDS
-Open minded or close minded? Depends
-Comical or serious? Depends
-A fighter or a person that 'goes with the flow'? -.- when im happy i fight, when im sad i dont. does that sound right to anyone?
-Outspoken or quiet? outspoken when im pissed. quiet when im.. contemplating. which usually means im about to say something anyways
-Rude or polite? Try to be polite. occasionally rude.

Do you...
-Smoke? Nope
-Drink? can't
-Take illegal substances? No
-Do well in school? I hope so! It's fourth year! *gasp*!
-Even give a hoot about school? School - no. School work - yes.
-Care what others think about you? yes
-Care about your looks a lot? yes
-Steal from people? no
-Talk about your problems when things are bugging you? It depends. Apparently i hole up a lot of stuff
-Listen to your friend's problems? yes
-Take out your emotions on others? sometimes
-Trust others easily? too much
-Trust yourself? my head no. my heart yes.
-Move on easily? no. look up world records under section relationships and title "Longest "Hung Up"

Some Random Things
-Name some of your fears. Being alone forever <-- the keyword, heights, dying
-Name some of your pet peeves. None watsoever
-What's your favorite kind of weather? the better half of autumn
-Would you rather be indoors or outdoors? Depends
-Do you have any bad habits? reading overtime before sleeping?
-How many of your friends do you consider "best" friends? A couple
-What pisses you off the most? People who use me
-What makes you happy? Peaceful day. great conversation. good music
-Who pisses you off the most? No one in particular at the moment. this changes.
-Who makes you happy? i dont know..

-What are you thinking about? why can't i sleep, i have an interview tomorrow
-What do you smell? the cold weather
-What do you hear? Ian's american lecture recording about algebra and some R-3 dimension thing
-What are you sitting on? Computer chair
-What's bothering you? the fact that im not sleepy
-What are your emotions? anxious
-Tell me everything that's on your mind. why.. can't.. i... sleep...
-Eating or drinking anything? no.. time to sleep..
-What are you looking forward to? starting my experiments
-Besides filling out this survey, what are you doing? Listening to algebra and Ian saying "uh-huh"
-What's on your desk? everything that's supposedly important
-What are you wearing? maroon collared tshirt, long blue pants with light blue strip down the side, a towel on my shoulders
-Who are you talking to? myself

Another one!!

1. How old will you be in 10 months? 22 years and 7 months.
2. Do you think you will get married by then? no way
3. What do you look forward to most in the next 3 months? finishing exams, starting experiments, visiting vera, going to sydney
4. Who was the last person to call you? Ian
5. Do you prefer to call or text? depends on how much credit i have
6. Do you have any pets? sadly, none but a few fish at home
7. What were you doing at 12am last night? playing wasabi i think
8. Are your parents married/separated/divored? married
9. When is the last time you saw your mom? in february
10. What happened at 11:00a.m? just woke up
11. Do you prefer shoes, socks, or bare feet? socks
12. Are you a social person? i think?
13. What was the last thing you ate? lamb briyani
14. What’s your favourite ice cream? i dont know..
15. What is your favorite dessert? again, not really into sides, desserts, snacks
16. What kind of jelly do you like on your PB & J sandwich? um.. the jelly with comes with the peanut butter i guess?
17. Do you like coffee? you know what? i dont particularly like it. but i need it.
18. How many glasses of water a day do you drink on average?? i dont know. fluctuates with the weather
19. What do you drink in the morning? Water.
20. Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone? myself. bigger space
21. Do you sleep on a certain side of the bed? i think im partial to the rightside at the moment
22. Do you know how to play poker? yes
23. Do you like to cuddle? no. i dont like people touching me
24. Have you ever been to Canada? no
25. Do you eat out or at home more often? beginning of the sem at home, towards the end, out
26. Do you know anyone with the same birthday as you? Heck yes! Yaow, Hui Jee, Andrew's brother.
27. Do you speak any other language? mandarin, malay, mokkien, i mean hokkien
28. Have you ever been in an ambulance? the last time i was near one, my uncle died from a heart attack
29. Do you prefer an ocean or a pool? ocean
30. Do you prefer a window seat or an aisle seats? strictly aisle
31. Do you know how to drive a stick shift? pathetically no
32. What is your favorite thing to spend money on? books. no question about that.
33. Do you wear any jewelery 24/7? a string bracelet
34. What is your favourite TV show? hmm.. too many
35. Can you roll your tongue? ya..
36. Who is the funniest person you know? qijian @ cheekeong handsdown!
37. Are you on any medication? no
38. Do u have any clothes from when you were little? nope. interesting question though
39. What is the color of your bedroom? white here, pink at home. trust me, not my idea. i have to share with my sister you understand
40. Do you sleep with your closet doors opened or closed? sliding doors are tricky
41. Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of killer bees? i'd stay away from them bears and bees
42. Do you flirt a lot? yes. luckily for me, im not attractive so the other girls dont say anything.

If I had 30 million dollars...

I definitely wouldn't be sleeping too.

Sze is here again this weekend from Tasmania. She told me about the couple in Frankston who won 30 million dollars from Tattslotto.

What would I do if I had that much money? Here's a few things I can think of right on top of my head.

1) Give Mom and Dad a million each for them to use however they want
2) College-funding for Annie and Albert
3) Give Hwan enough to start up a career wherever she wants
4) Give Fen, if she wants, the chance to be free and work wherever she wants
5) Help Ian fund his education to the US
6) Find Yew Jiun's parents a place where they can live comfortably and for her dad to get necessary treatments
7) Make sure Juk's brothers get the education they want
8) Set up a not-for-profit loan system for kids who need the money to further their studies to ensure that the money goes a long way to help many others rather than just a few
9) Pay for more Psychiatrists to be placed in Sarawak
10) Build better schools in rural areas of Sarawak
11) Donate to World Vision to assist their cause in getting children off the streets in Cambodia and Vietnam and into schools
12) Donate to WHO for frequent flow of essential food, clean water, clothing etc to children in Africa

Hmmm... now.. how much money will there be left.. lol.. This just goes to show there's never enough..

What would you do with the money?

Edelweiss

Edelweiss, edelweiss,
every morning you greet me.
Small and white, clean and bright,
you look happy to meet me.
Blossom of snow, may you bloom and grow,
bloom and grow forever.
Edelweiss, edelweiss,
bless my homeland forever.

One of my favourite songs.. Something sweet and peaceful about it.

Heart Shaped

Squared,
Triangular,
Words with sharp edges.

Bubbles,
Spinning circles,
Your round heart.

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.

Hellen's Farewell: And then there were four..

Last year was the worst and best year for me. I had someone who made the journey so much easier with her support and advice. She's my good friend and she's my twin :) if not in our sense of humour then in our identical sounding names.

This is Hellen. When you look at her it's not the small stature or big ROCK on her finger :P that you see (although it's pretty mind-blowing :P), it's the confident posture and her sweet smile that tell you everything about this tough woman - her spunkiness, her honesty and her genuine character. The self-assured way she dictates herself and also how she treats others is what makes her a great friend.

Me, Cindy, Hellen and Tsu Ann at the airport this morning.

I remember last year two weeks before our exams, I was backed into a corner and felt very conflicted. Hellen extended her arms to me during this critical period with her unyielding support. Sympathetic, wise and yet not pushy, Hellen is the person you want to have around in a crisis. She immediately dropped everything she was doing and took a ride up just to meet me and listened to a sob story from beginning till end without judging.

Sabrina, Hellen, me, Cindy and Tsu Ann two nights ago at Hellen's farewell.

I miss the times when Sabrina, Hellen, Yi Ying and I would lounge at Borders, getting "high" on coffee and saying silly things to get our minds off the pressure we were feeling. Sometimes Sabrina would be working behind the counter, sneaking us extra caramel and trying not to laugh as the rest of us try to crack her up. I used to watch in amazement as Yi Ying and Hellen scoured the huge shelves of manga and dash to buy little figurines of their favourite characters. Then Tsu Ann would drop by towards the evening, declaring "lame" and "aunties ah!" at us when we start giggling randomly. Nowadays, it's just me, the coffee and the books.

Sabrina, Hellen, Me, Yi Ying and Tsu Ann on the last day of exams, 2006.

Getting into uni and especially for those people who want to do well, you expect the competition to be tough but you never expect the people to be so cutthroat. In terms of this, uni life is a small dose of what getting out into the real world will be like - every man for himself and unforgiving. It's not easy to get to the top and you realize a lot of people are stingy and manipulative, living it as a do-or-die situation.

"What is this?! It's not even a shape! I have two lame friends"

- Tsu Ann, 2007.

"Eh.. don't want HTS.. FBI sounds much better!"

- Cindy on "Teman Tapi Mesra", 2007.

Coming to Swinburne and comparing notes with my acquaintnaces made me realize how hard it is for someone to share and completely trust another. It made me realize what I have with these girls is rare and special in the way that only genuine friends can be - we have so much more than exams, books and papers in our friendship.

"Helennnnnnnnnn.. exam how?! Se-ked"

- Yi Ying @ bunnY, 2006 in Org. Psych Lecture.

"Are you wearing heels? What is I fall off the stairs when I'm climbing up?!"

- Sabrina on graduation day, 2006.

We're missing you already Hellen and we hope you and Erwin will have a wonderful life together filled with love, trust, understanding and kindness. Otherwise, be sure to demand for some more ROCKS~ :P

Hellen and Erwin.

"We have to be strong and I think women don't realize how strong they can be. I also think that as women, we are special because we strike an extraordinary balance - having the inner strength for ourselves and yet being subtle enough to allow the men to keep their pride." - Hellen, 2006.

Silent Trains

The train stops
at a cemetery,
no one gets on.

Chug-a-chug,
A bird takes off
trailing smoke.

The night river -
A train ripples
through the floating city.

Winter rapids -
Snow bellowing
numb toes.

I can only scream at one woman..

And she'd scream right back at me.. I can only get away with muttering obsecenities at one woman, and she'll still feed me. Heck, I can even make this woman cry and not speak to her for days, and she'll still love me.

This.. ladies and gentlemen.. is my mom. And this is how you'll usually find her at home. Top secret stuff! She never appears like this in front of an audience. Bad for her image apparently. But this is how I like her best. No makeup, hair up, "home" clothes and a lovely smell.

The food helps too!

She's the one responsible for my well-being. All the tears, self-consciousness and scrutiny stems from this woman. That's what mothers are for.

"Wahhhhhhh....... why so fat?"

Never fails everytime I come home.

"Don't come back fat fat ah..."

Never fails everytime I leave.

But hey, that's what mothers are for.

My mom is a small kampung gal. This life she knows and thrives in is one of cooking, baking and housework. She's simple-minded and perfectly contented running the house and feeding 4 mouths. This is how I got all the extra weight..

She's has a wicked list of recipes! She makes all the cakes and cookies for CNY. She invites her friends for lunch and dinner. She's 46 but she dances her butt away every weekened~

Ever wonder where I get that loud neverending building-shaking laughter? No one and I repeat, NO ONE, laughs louder than my mom at any occasion. Except maybe my sister. But then again, that's where we get that from. This is also why all my jokes are lame. My mom laughs at anything - everything.

Formal occasions make her uncomfortable. But then, my dad strives in that world and so my mom tries. She has been, for her entire life and we don't make it easy for her. She has no idea how to use a handphone, she doesn't know what an iPod is AND she had a very hard time trying to learn how to work a DVD player. My mom is full of surprises though. For the tech-super noob she is, she drives a mean stick. Because of her sharp reflexes, she saved my brother's life once when they were sent spinning during a car accident. My mom manouvered them to safety, stepped on the gas pedal and chased down the idiot who did it to them. Yeap, she's a fiesty one!

Yes mammi, I remember the tears, the screaming matches and the moments when we were just downright rude to each other. But I also remember your laugh, your warm hands and your generous and simple soul. If people see me as a giving person, it's only because I have you and dad as role models in that department. If people see me as a cheerful and charming person, it's all because of your ability to laugh during hard times and make people laugh with you.

Pepsi Cola one two three~

My cousin Shin Yee used to stand in front and dictated the game with such vigour that we all end up laughing anyways and losing. She always started with a slow one.

"Pepsi Cola... one..... two...... three!"
"Pepsi Cola.. onetwothree!"

"Onetwothree!" "Onetwothree!" "Onetwothreeonetwothreeontwothreeonetwothree!"

Of course being a kid, you're pretty quick on your feet. But at this point, we would always give up and collapse to the ground laughing our asses off.

Every Saturday afternoon, all the cousins would gather and pool in our "allowances". Although I admit, the occasional coin was picked up from the floor of house somewhere. Shin Yee being the oldest - her brother and sister were too old to play with us, would take the money and run outside at the first *beep* of the bread van. She would come back with an array of goodies and split the remainder of the money carefully. It was mostly just bread and sugar (doughnuts) or those with "icing" (our favourites! but very limited). We would have "tea" on the floor of Ah Ma's house and ruin our appetites for Saturday night dinner.

I was seven and feeling particularly rebellious. During the first half of the year, the entire school was playing "police dan pencuri" in our small yard. It was an accident waiting to happen within those 20 minutes of break time (now known as reccess). The teachers were terrified. Understandable. 150 school kids running around like like there's no tomorrow - I'd dig my own hole and hide. Pronto. Primary 1 kids (me!) through to the Primary 6 kids who at the time, looked like giants to me. We were the good guys and bad guys. This girl Celine who was in Primary 6 was the leader of the other team. I couldn't remember which I was on. Must've been a robber.

It was during one of these sessions where I was pushed to the ground and scraped my knees on the basketball court. I got up, turned around and gave Celine a big push in return, then sat down, and bawled my eyes out. That was the biggest knee injury I have yet. There's a big scar I'd be happy to show anyone - the first signs of violence :)

The second half of the year came with a promotion. I sat next to Gavin in class. He was one of the "guai-lous" whose father was transferred to Miri because of Shell. I forgot what he said to me one day, but we both ended up in the principal's office. Myself with a bruise on the nose and him with several scratches down the face. That's why they call it cat fights when ladies do it. So I guess Gavin and I were having a cat-brawl.

Colin, Phoebe, Annie and I went through the Power Rangers hype with the occasional help from Shin Yeou and Li Kun who alternated as the Black Ranger and August as the Honorary Green Ranger, but although lived further away in the Land of No Return but made it occasionally back to Earth on some Sundays to help us ward off evil creatures.

As a kid I was ankle-sprain prone. I've sprained my ankle more times than I can remember. There was this one time though. The pinnacle of all pains, Dad brought me to a Chinese dai fu to have my ankle "put right". I put on a brave face. That was, till the master pulled at my foot. Then I started to cry like a baby. I was 10.

"Eh.. be brave.. will be over soon.. Blue Ranger mah.. Blue Ranger doesn't cry.."

I was stunned to silence. How in the world did Dad know I was Blue Ranger? I didn't even realize he knew what we were up to. Of course, our bicycles-turned-dinosaurs, fake badges and bandannas did nothing to help point him to the right direction.

2nd Aunt used to have a cat. When Astra, Colin's and Phoebe's mongrel passed away in a freak accident - the cat was the only pet left. One day we found four kittens nestled in the "garage" area of the Ah Ma's house. Blackie, Brownie, Ginger and a fourth I can't remember what we named him became our pets. Every Sunday afer Tang Soo Do lessons at the Che Sing Khor temple at the end of the street, we would feed and play with the little kittens until they were not so little anymore.

Leonardo, Donatello, Michaelangelo and Raphael graced us in their soft green shells after the kittens were gone. We took them out and placed them on the grass in Colin's garden. They would crawl around and we would stroke, tease and conduct turtle races. The grass was so green that one day we lost Raphael. We spent days looking for him, crawling near the big drains outside our house calling his name like he could answer us. One day Donatello died and when Leo and Mic grew too big (3kgs each?) we released them at the "Pek Kong" temple by the fish market in town.

A lot of people I know try to make up for their lost childhood. I've had a whacky one, filled with our own hand-made batu seremban sets, "ice" and fair share of bruises and scrapes. All still fresh in mind.

No piggys on angpaus

Why?

Easy.
Not halal lah~

This clever observation aluded me.I was already halfway through Shannon Teoh's article when I finally realized what the big deal was.

Funny how the most glaring things escape us sometimes. Are humans such ignorant creatures? I'm being cynical here. But you can only pick on humans. Any other species would be considered cruel.

Binary: For or Against?

Nothing is ever just black or white. Not even the laws that govern us. I'd say from the moment we were born, we're forced to see gray(sp?) whether we like it or not. Then the rest of our lives we spend, trying to categorize them into good or bad.

Forensic psychology tests the black and white of humans' most heinous acts. It scribbles, erases and rearranges the outcomes of jurisdiction depending on who the better lawyer is and the nature of each of the listening juries.

"Acquittal by virtue of insanity" is so convenient that its application has to undergo proper discretion and even more consideration. What is insanity? Like many things in life, the definition of this term is neither black nor white. The mere ruling that the charged had to "not know the act he commited was wrong" disposes any likely chance that he is innocent. True to this fact, there have been by far only a handful of cases whereby the perpetrator is pronounced "not guilty".

I am neither in support nor against this plea of insanity. The point to make here is, once the decision has been passed, people are unlikely to take on a different perspective. The gray matter is not a favoured causatum. It not even considered an outcome. Which is why people go about their lives searching for answers that never seem to be there.

Once we have found answers, be them black or white, we are likely to cling on. The inflexibility decreeds us from thinking and taking different perspectives because the bewitchery of clear cut directions comes with alluring stability and a clearer picture. It is this urgence to label that we toss the "insane" into pigeon holes and sentence them to a life of repeated offending when some, and I repeat SOME, could have been saved bereft hasty resolve.

100100 110110 101101 01010 011011 110110 100100 110110
Binary?

Try mixing the black and white :)

Dear Jay

Dear Jay,

Yesterday I was sitting at the coffee shop again. Where and which you don't need to know, as I do not intend for our paths to cross again. The mom was having a heart-to-heart with the boyfriend. She flew all the way from Singapore for love. I laughed because it reminded me of the hasty decision I'd made to follow you all the way here and to have broken myself into pieces. He had hit her and hurt her several times. She still loves him, she really does. But that doesn't mean that she's not afraid. She is, very much so. The fear that haunted me years ago has dessipated. The hurt is gone together with the memories. You are but a shadow of the past now.

Hwan said today "When a man loves a woman, he will do anything for her. When he no longer does, he won't even ask about her".

I said in return "When a woman loves a man, he'll scream and hurt her. When she no longer does, he'll cease to exist and she'll be left feeling empty."

I did not mean it literally. What I meant was, once something has occupied a space in your life for such a long time, you'll feel lost when it's dug right out of you no matter how bad you felt at the time. You were that stone carved in my heart. Even when you no longer loved me the pieces kept chiseling away, perfecting all your details and your habits in my memory.

Hurt makes us strong if only we know how to harness it. And time.. only time heals. And this is only if you let yourself heal. I no longer have to feel like there's something I could have done better and no longer feel ashamed. It's been a while since I've walked away but I don't think you understand that I had to. I wasn't running away, I merely wanted peace of mind.

Dear Jay,

Love hurts and it is painful. But that doesn't mean that we should stop loving. A perfect love is an untested love - and no such love exists. Eventhough we did not pass the test, we have left much revision to be done. It is with these notes that we take to the next relationship. I am glad we had the chance to be tested and I can now go away knowing I have learnt how to love and will love again.

I need you to understand that what we have now is the best there is. This distance is what we have to accept. Can you do me that favour? To keep this distance so that there's enough space in my tired heart to grow again?

What is Human really?

How are we so different from all other animals? What makes us special? Logical thinking? The ability to feel? To have compassion? How do we know the darn pigeon didn't say, "Gotcha!" as the droppings landed on my forehead?

Last Wednesday evening I was at the park as usual, taking my "jog". As I completed the first round, I spotted a little girl and her younger brother sitting on a bench waiting.. waiting and waiting. As I passed them, I observed the girl. She couldn't have been older than 7 or 8. Frail little thing she was. And she seemed sick. Clutching her stomach and looking green. I suspected it was gastric or something like that. Anyways, I asked her if she was ok, twice. She said yes but not without a grimace.

Where's her mom? Jogging around the park. Did she notice her daughter was sick? No. Did she think to bring her home at once? No.

Danny is 4. His mother told him "Can't you understand? I need to jog. I can't jog if you follow me around. Be a good boy."

I bet Danny wanted to tell his mom if he could, "I don't understand what in the world, in hell even, are you talking about. Be a good mom."

Here we are observing all other species. Making out the fact that we're special, superior. And all the while I reckon we're not any different from the cat who fails to recognize her own kittens and devours them or the "cute" pandas who abandon a weak cub. Survival of the fittest? Maybe we're all measured upon the same scale. Not qualitatively different from the rest of the living, just quantitatively. For all we know, they're the ones plotting to run us down. Aw.. Look at that cutesy hopping lil' sparrow, "So what's Human?"

He knows what I am thinking

The show ends to hearty applause and I stroll eagerly into his room hoping to share a few words before the other audience flock in. Wig off, a smidge of liptick is leaping out from the left corner of his lower lip. I watch him for a few quiet moments until he catches sight of me in the mirror. The neon lights blinked crazily as I struggled for an appropriate greeting.

"Oh you darlingggggggg, you shouldn't have!" he drawls as I hand him my bouquet. 12 roses. Ruby red. Freshly trimmed and cut a mere three hours ago. I'd purchased them coming right out of the sub from a lady decked in a wide-brimmed straw hat despite the gloomy weather.

He lands a peck on my left cheek. Another on the right. I let myself beam proudly as he reached immediately for a vase and blustered away to fill it up. I throw a cursory glance at the prize and see a loose petal. I frown. I am sure that everything was perfect a minute ago.

I reach in and pluck it from the stem, leaving it dangling no more.

Oh my God. He's laughing at me. I turn around and see him standing by the door, vase in hand. It was my gift from last Christmas. His smile dances to the end of a chuckle.

I quickly slip the stray petal into my pocket. Too late. He's still laughing. I want to laugh. To let him know I share the joke which was in fact, me. To cover up the embarrassment. But I think he knows. So I try to keep a straight face. Try not to blush too hard.

That's when I see them. Perfect. Not a single part out of place. I am wondering how I'd missed them when I waltzed into the room seconds before. About 60 roses, a shade of red more dazzling than my own. Beads of water still glistening even in the shady light, perched for all to see in the middle of the dressing counter.

There is silence. He knows what I am thinking. Am I about to know what his thoughts are?

I watch. Nervously. He takes a few steps forward. No haste. But no hint of hesitation.

I watch. Breathless. He slowly pushes the brighter, bigger 60 slightly to the back and place my bouquet in front. I think I finally know what he is thinking.