Hollow in the Heart

As most Mirians would be aware of, there has been a horrifying case of rape and murder recently.
The girl named Tiffany Wong, a recent graduate from St. Joseph Miri met with death by the hands of her friend. In my opinion, this was a case of intentional murder and that is what's terrifying. Along with the emotional repercussions of the case, another point of interest was the motive and the intention of the alleged (and anyone from home would argue 'definite') murderer.

From rumous and news reports we have gathered:  
a) He was a childhood friend (point of interest: how close were they really? had they been friends all along? case in point: it appears that swhe had wished him a happy birthday sometime in November last year. However, assuming that we have a different mentality as to what friendship is, she seems to be an individual (based on age, the number of FB friends she has, and the number of pictures she takes) who is likely to wish anyone within relative close proximity (let's narrow this down to secondary school friends including seniors and juniors, as well as primary school friends who have gone on to the same secondary school which includes the alleged murderer). Was he a part of her group of friends or merely an acquaintance that she knew since childhood? As I'm considering this point, I'm thinking about the numerous people I know from childhood and have been in the same school but only consider as acquaintances and not "friend".)

b) They have mutual friends (Based on comments on FB, 3rd degree association - "I know that guy too." (knowing both the victim and the prepetrator as members of the same school), 2nd degree association - "He is another friend" (being friends with both victim and prepetrator). At this point, we may establish that they share at best a cordial relationship, or have mutual friends within the same class/school.

c) He had a crush on her that was never reciprocated. (Missing information: Had he perhaps professed his love to her prior and was rejected? Or was this one of those instances where it is unrequitted because he's never had the cojones to do anything? Was he out of her league? Again, based on the number of friends he has (99- before the account was deactivated, present - probably none), compared to the number she had (1095), it would seem that she was Miss cheery and popular, while he remains relatively in the background.

d) She was going to meet a friend who had her result slip OR she was going to school to collect her result slip
(i) If she was going to meet a friend who had her result slip because her father wanted to see it (again, info gathered from various forums)
Points of interest:
did the friend know she was going to get a ride from the guy? if so, she would have clued the parents in as to her whereabouts
why was her result slip with her friend? and if so, did the school release her results to her friend, are they allowed to do that? (just curious) OR she gathered her results and left it with her friend (why though? had she forgotten? or were her results less than desirable for parental viewing? it appears that she scored 4As, which is better than what I did, but then again, I wasn't at home to face the warth of my parents when they found out)
(ii) If she was going to school to collect her result slip, did she call the guy to pick her up? if not, how did he just magically show up at her place to offer her a ride? At this point, perhaps we can establish that they had been exchanging text messages, so what does that tell us about their friendship? probably closer than just a cordial friendship re: back to point (b), or she's just a super friendly girl

e) She had willingly gotten into his car, witnessed by mother. Again, none of her friends could attest to knowing a mutual friend owning a grey Waja/Toyota (hate newspapers and confusing facts). So what can we deduce from this? He DOES not run in her circle of friends/it's a car they've never seen him drive before, in which case, he must have done some planning to ensure that he couldn't be traced/identified, but for what? maybe not murder, but certainly having the purpose to do something untoward to this poor girl.

f) Her mother did not know who she was going out with, or who she was meeting. This is presumably (as is the case nowadays) due to current casual parental attitudes and the sheer number of casual friendships young people seem to have nowadays. Your parents won't know all your friends, and they do not bother to ask you where you are and what you're doing. We could perhaps assume that (i) she's a good girl who doesn't need monitoring, (ii) being in Miri gives us a false sense of security as to its surroundings and the character of the people, (iii) her parents do not know about her activities which seem to include at least on ONE occasion getting drunk to the extent that as one friend put it "kiss her till she also don't know", and "singing k till midnight". At this point I'd like to thank my father for calling me at the age of 25, while in Miri, when I'm not back by 12am, after only being out at 8pm and questioning me incessantly if I head out after 9pm.

I put to the public that 
a) He drove her away, intending to perhaps declare his love for her, and most certainly elicit some kind of sexual favour from her
b) The best case scenario for him is that she would agree, and then they would begin a relationship.
c) The girl does not seem like someone who WOULD consent to any sexual favours, because
(i) She appears to be a decent girl (tell me if I'm overestimating her integrity just by deducing from her pictures and statements from her friends, although I may be biased towards band members)
(ii) It seems that she has a boyfriend and he looks to be a decent guy too (again speculation)
d) So if he drove her out with the intention of currying sexual favour, knowing these points about her (being her friend), how did he guesstimate his chances of succeeding to be? Surely none or remotely close to that? 

Therefore, assuming that he knew he had less than a 5% chance of succeeding, did he not think what he was going to do to keep her from ratting on him? Unless he was clearly the brainless imbecile people are making him out to be, then the probable chances of her coming out alive from this from the moment he offered her a ride was close to none. Doesn't this then, make it premeditative murder?

To put it simply, here are possible thoughts:
"I'll tell her I love her, have sex with her, we live happily ever after"
"I'll tell her I love her, ask her if she'll have sex with me, and if she says no we'll just let it be without anyone knowing"
"I'll tell her I love her, ask her if she'll have sex with me, and if she says no I'll let her go and don't mind if she tells the world what I just asked her"
"I'll tell her I love her, force her to have sex with me, then let her go and hope she won't tell"
"I'll tell her I love her, force her to have sex with me, then let her go so she can tell the world"
"I'll tell her I love her, force her to have sex with me, kill her so that she doesn't tell"

Which of these seem likely to you?

Safety is of the essence
Because there is relatively nothing we can do once we step into a car belonging to the person who intends to kill us, what other safety precautions can we take BEFORE we make that decision?
1) Tell your parents where you're going and who you're out with
2) Let your friends know at the very least
3) Do not trust anyone beyond your circle of closest friends
4) Your classmate who says hi to you is NOT your 'close friend'
5) Do not assume your childhood friend who you've seen in waist-line pants and pigtails remain the same
6) Make sure you have trusted people on speed dial
7) Do not go to any remote areas with guy friends
8) Better still, if you seriously do not know the guy well AND he has a girlfriend and offers you a ride, say NO, or bring a girl friend along.
9) NO ONE is decent by association, just because he's your bestfriend's boyfriend or good friend or whatever friend does not make it safe, so don't get in.

To be honest, if a guy asked me for a sexual favour I'd rather grab his steering wheel and risk having the both of us perish in an accident than having him try to rape me or murder me after. The saddest thing is, she COULDN'T have known his intentions. But now that this has happened in non-happening Miri, everyone (I don't discount guys) should keep these motives in mind. Remember, anyone who dares to even ask cannot be trusted. I don't care if "it's mens' nature, they can't help themselves" as some people put it on the forums. We are all capable of self-control so that's bullshit. 

Do you mean what you ask or are you just BS-ing me..

There is a dilemma every year I come home. A lot of people make it very difficult to want to stay for a long time because of the questions they ask, the pretence they put up and the false graciousness they try to portray when they perfectly well know in the next few seconds, they'll turn around and whisper about you behind your back.

In the case of "Surviving Bitches 101", it is cautioned that when people ask you anything along the lines of "What's being overseas like?", you should make no mention of the nice weather and the vast opportunities (although I'm obviously making that point here). Instead, you should make like it's no big deal and for good measure, profess that you'd much rather be here because people are friendlier.

When responding to this question in genuine fashion (none of which they really want to know), it does not mean we dislike Miri or think it worst. It is our hometown, it is our family and in some case, good friends who do not take the same liberty as you do in devaluing our experiences abroad and only wish us the very best while trusting that we do not ever forget that the strongest of a lifetime of friendships is built here in this once small town. It is precisely people like YOU that make living here unpleasant.

We realize there is no win-win situation when you put forth this question. When we answer you openly and objectively about the 11 months a year we spend across the big bad oceans, you perceive us as abandoning our roots for greener grass. I do not want to pretend that there are not countless of gains I have made in the country Down Under, but I want to tell you that leaving our parents at home for the most part of the year is not an easy decision and often is the decision made to stay abroad is based on repaying their generosity and in most cases, sacrifice. Do not think for one moment that when we start saying FUCK we have forgotten how to say Chaocibai with the capital C.

And do not be under the false assumption that living the high life is what we are doing over there. You see the difference in income and fixate on that because our government has squandered everything we earned for the past 50 years. This is not our fault. You see the difference in manner and make fun of improved English because the education system required no such fluency during our school years. This is not our fault. What you do not see, is the rent raised so sky-high it'll surpass the Twin Towers soon, and also the bills, ridiculous fuel charges, AUD5 minimum per hour parking and for those of us who work exhausting 8 to 5 day jobs without the courtesy kopitiam break, 'snake-ing' and expansive lunch hours to go home with takeaway costing 18% of the income we make per month. To be fair (in your backstabbing) language, this is not anyone's fault but our own for the choice we made to stay in someone else's land. In places where you have to fight because you are also minority, because they cannot understand your accent and because no one else will fight for you, just as no one does for you in Malaysia. But then this is the path we have chosen and are happy with, we only wonder what is it that you regret about the path you have chosen for yourself to have to kick us in the behind and give us grief every opportunity you have.

So the other alternative is to say as little as possible when you pose that question. This response I know has and will elicit opinions that I "diao ge" as you put it. But by now I have learnt that you do not really want to hear how good the weather is over there.  

Just because

What's she doing there?
Why didn't you tell me?
Maybe it's because you knew this
is what I would ask.
What's she to you?
Why didn't I know?
Maybe it because you knew this
is how I would react.

What's she got that I don't?
Why don't you tell me?
Maybe it's because
I already know
What are you up to?
Why won't you tell me?
Just because
you don't need me anymore.

It was only a couple of months back really..

We met under precarious circumstances. For him at least. Me? Life is always a challenge, so nothing new there.

I remember we talked about this girl who he very much loved I'm not sure what happened between us. Actually, I do know, but part of me wants to pretend that I don't. He was useful because I need to be trusted. And he needed to trust after having been battered to the last of his wits. And there I was.

I do that a lot you know. Handing trust on a silver platter. Should he have been afraid? I still do not think so, but my faith wanders every now and again. That's just for me to feel better you know. Because in the end I'm the one who is alone, like I always was. And I despair to think that I might always be. But that's another story.

Of course, he was kind enough. He must be. I never take interest in those who haven't a decent bone in them. There are those people, rare, but there are out there all the same. I takes effort to be all bad I feel. We are human after all. He told me about possibilities and dreams amidst the doubt and gloominess. With all the attention, I started to hope again, knowing very well that faith borne from vulnerability is really more of a need not a want.

So now I am sitting here again, and the end of a chapter, with blank pages ahead. No foreseeable direction to the next piece of the plot in life. I am grateful though, for those people who are constant, fading in and out of this long journey of mine. Never seeming to mind when I disappear into my own world now and again, sometimes for months. never begrudging me of the times where I forget about them, and turn up only in times of need. Thank you is not enough but all I know how to begin. And you can be assured that there is no end to that appreciation, no matter how unclear it seems.

When the Green Guy rears its head..

I want your brittle bones to break
See what it's like to love and to hate
I want your itty bitty hands to scar
To taste what hard-worned fingers are.

Your dainty feet
My lies and deceit
Concede
defeat.

Don't be too hopeful for your own good :)

I realize that my posts nowadays differ very much from how I used to blog. I used to talk about my own thoughts, then I went on to talk about my everyday doings. The mundane stuff.

I was reading through my old friendster blog and thought, "Hey, I really had much more to say back then". And am a bit surprise at the extent of my expressiveness back then, which, if you come to think of it, was not too long ago (2004).

So I'll blog about my thoughts from now on. Unless I come across another bowl of yummy laksa and other similar eats :)

"Are all men liars?"

When you think about a statement like that, you have to consider all parts. The three key words here of course, are "all", "men", and "liars".

To be fair, the same can be said of women. So dear men, feel free to debate "Are all women liars?". Just don't do it in front of me.

Ok. The easiest thing to clarify is "Men". By "men" I mean those with XY chromosomes. Any other variation of the chromosome doesn't count, hereby excluding those with Down Syndrome, Fragile X and the like because these poor souls can't help their genes. It also excludes gays because I'm not likely to marry one. Although I must admit that is my greatest nightmare. And also, we must not forget to strike out anyone below the age of 18 and those > 40, because let's face it: I have no interest in getting into a lawsuit or dating someone who farts like my dad.

"Liars" or "a liar" is more difficult to define. The first thing that comes to mind is "A person who tells lies". But then you have to define what a lie is. Lie = an untruth; opposite of what is the truth. Now, I'm not a tyrant, so I say, white lies don't count when someone's life is at the brink of death. Something like lying to the person who is about to die because of an accident. Morbid, but acceptable.

Now, on to the reason why this statement is even running through my mind. The issue of "all". "All" means every single XY chromosome, straight, legal aged non-geriatric man. I had a man say, "Oh you know, looks doesn't matter. I don't care what you look like."

Stick up your picture, and he tries to slink away subtlely.

LIAR!

Or maybe I'm just too hopeful for my own good.

But we'll save that debate for another day.

This is Me and You

You are the hole puncher. I am both the paper that goes into it and the hand that applies pressure. You puncture my heart, and at my will I push and push till you break away. And we're broken.

No I'm not

I'm not a good sister anymore. And less of a good friend. It's so much easier like this. I don't have to give a damn you know? It's hard to be like this in a world where NO ONE ELSE is interested in caring. So fuck yeah. Just sod off and leave me alone. I don't need to do this anymore.

Kids Without a Boyfriend

No. It's not another hit track record.

Not for others anyways.

I'm 22 going on 23. I have 2 siblings. 2 parents. And am the proud godma to the kids of the only 2 friends of mine who are married.

Unfortunately, given that I'm still overseas as my friends are with their respective husbands, I have yet to see my godkids (other than pictures). Tao (or Brandon) is 1 year, 4 and a half months old and Hellen's baby isn't even born yet! He/she is due sometime late August/early Sept. I hinted to Hellen, 7th August would be a good date :P Hehe..

I love kids. They are innocent. You can teach them anything (explicitly, or by modelling). They are that infectious! They make you smile, laugh (and cry). You want for their life to be whatever they can be. When a kid cries, it breaks my heart. I'm forewarned, might feel differently when I'm actually a mom. But hey, right now if you can't wait to get rid of your kids for the day, bring it on! :P

Love and Seperation

For a friend. You know who you are.


O, how this spring of love resembleth
The uncertain glory of an April day;
Which now shows all the beauty of the sun,
And by and by a cloud takes all away.

Let this sad interim like the ocean be
Which parts the shore, where two contracted new
Come daily to the banks, that, when they see
Return of love, more blest may be the view;
Else call it winter, which being full of care
Makes summer's welcome thrice more wish'd, more rare.

- Shakespeare.

Sitting Down Here - Lene Marlin

This totally describes my current predicament.

I'm sitting down here,
But hey you can't see me

Your words cut deeply,
They're just some other lies
I'm hiding from a distance,
I've got to pay the price
Defending all against it,
I really don't know why
You're obsessed with all my secrets,
You always make me cry
You seem to wanna hurt me
No matter what I do
I'm telling just a couple,
But somehow it gets to you
But I've learned to get revenge
And I swear you'll experience that some day

I'm sitting down here,
But hey you can't see me
Kinda invisible
You don't sense my stay
Not truly hiding, not like a shadow
Just thought I would join you for one day
I'm sitting down here,
But hey you can't see me

I'm not trying to avoid you,
Just don't wanna hear your voice
When you call me up so often,
I don't really have a choice
You're talking like you know me
And wanna be my friend
But that's really too late now,
I won't try it once again
You may think that I'm loser,
But I don't really care
You may think that it's forgotten,
But you should be aware
Cause I've learned to get revenge
And I swear you'll experience that some day

I'm sitting down here,
But hey you can't see me
Kinda invisible
You don't sense my stay
Not truly hiding, not like a shadow
Just thought I would join you for one day

I'm sitting down here,
But hey you can't see me
Kinda invisible
You don't sense my stay
Not truly hiding, not like a shadow
But sure I wanna join you for one day

You seem to wanna hurt me
No matter what I do
I'm telling just a couple,
But somehow it gets to you
But I've learned to get revenge
And I swear you'll experience that some day

I'm sitting down here,
But hey you can't see me
Kinda invisible
You don't sense my stay
Not truly hiding, not like a shadow
Just thought I would join you for one day

This whole thing is effing wearing me down..

I'm waiting.. waiting.. waiting..

It's been a long time since I've ever wanted something and let my true colours show. Do you know who I am? I'm not the nice girl who helps unconditionally, ever smiley and all that shit. I'm trying to be who I am but it's hard. The not so nice girl who helps but at most times uses that satisfaction to make herself feel better about her insecurities and whinges when people take her for granted.

It's hard swallowing this pill. Oh, like, how many times have I tried to delete the paragraph above? Gee, I lost count. Surprise, surprise.

Do you believe that personality is innate? I would say that our environment shapes our personality but once we reach a certain stage, we realize we can't really run too far away from it and have to deal with it eventually.

Obviously, I'm trying to deal.

Obviously, not dealing very well.

I still get pissed sometimes inside and I know it shows on my face easily. Observant people catch that brief glimpse. But what do I do? Plant on a smile (I don't know why people never realized it was sort of not there. Thank you high school drama competitions?), go home, bitch to thyself, maybe shed a few tears and then chill for a while. Next day? Everything is A-OK.

This is my life.

The facade is tiring. But the real me is terrifying. Yes, ladies and gentlemen. Looks like I'm on my way to getting a mental disorder.

*Ponders*

I was trying to recall if I ever had periods of time where I don't remember what I was doing.
Why? : Symptom of Dissociative Identity Disorder (formerly and more famously known as Multiple Personalities.)
Answer: Nope. I remember each and every sordid detail of my life, including the past. Damn! Those violins are playing again. *Thinks Freud* Modern psychodynamic approach anyone?

Desire. I want to do so many things with my life and in order to get there I'll have to compete with others. Sure, I need to compete with myself first. But.. argh *thinks Asian background*.. why is it that we are so consciously aware of how we are all relative to one another?

My relatives:
Relatively fatter
Relatively average
Relatively jealous
Relatively sarcastic (pessimistic) or witty (optimistic)
Relatively musically inclined but not THERE

I need relatively SMARTER! No. I need super smart. And I'm not.

Boo-hoo! Sucks to be me?!

And then the guilt comes. What's making my life difficult? Is it:
(A) My grouchy but capable of high tolerance despite lots of misgivings and yet about to blow out of proportion personality
(B) My overtly pessimistic view of life
(C) My lower-than-thou self-confidence though hopefully will get there once I sort out this identity crisis
(D) All of the above and basically me.

I wish my locus of control were external. That way I won't have so many things eating at me because I blame myself for everything and anything. I want so badly to point the finger elsewhere but the guilt is so piercing that I can't bring myself to do it anymore.

I can do super hardworking and super nose-in-book girl. BUT, damn Intelligence Quotient doesn't move much.

Have I reached my academic potential already? Is this it for me?

Dear Miss Su,

I regret to advice that your application for admission to the Master of Psychology (Clinical) course at this University has been unsuccessful. Unfortunately, your academic results do not meet the entry standard for the course you have chosen.

83 is not good enough. But I'm getting there? Almost there? How about my passion? How about my curiousity and genuine interest in people, the way we interact and how many of the minute things change the way we think and feel in an instant? What about my desire for knowledge and the sadness which I see in people that makes me want to do something?

Nope. Not good enough. No wait, you don't even know if it's not good enough. I didn't get my chance to present my case, to show you how much this means to me and what I want to do if I'd been given the opportunity.

I am down. Frustrated, upset, annoyed and disappointed. But I'm still alive. Maybe and hopefully in a week or so I'll come to terms with the situation and know that I will just have to fight harder and go the longer and more difficult way to realize my dreams.

For now, I just need some sleep.

Pain

Illustration by Tang Yee Yen (01/08/2007)

The evening sky heals but
today there is a lone cloud
severed; its tail left behind.
can't watch the bloody trail,
so I look to the ground
and see that
it is my own.

Bridge to Terabithia

Spoiler Warning, turn back if you are planning to watch this movie.

"Ever wonder what's on the other side?"

Scrambling for the rope, Leslie hoisted herself onto the fallen tree trunk. She pushed off the bark; the soles of her feet grazed the rushing river below sending droplets spraying at the ferns scattered across the enbankment. Her golden hair danced in the wind and with a quick swoosh, she disappeared into a clump of bushes.



"Leslie?"




"Leslie?"




My heart stopped as did Jesse's. We stared intently at the bushes, willing for a flash of gold to appear amongst the lush greens. Before I could stop him, Jesse grabbed onto the swinging rope and whisked over to the other side. He too, had disappeared beneath the bushes.

I followed him, eyes trained carefully on his watered-down sneakers. They once belonged to one of the elder sisters - which, I don't know. Ahead of us Leslie appeared and beckoned before disappearing again behind a tree. We passed row after row of gigantum trees. Their ancient roots threatened to trip us as we struggled to keep up with Leslie. Several times I thought we had lost track but her golden hair would again flash for a second amidst the thicket or a rugged rock as we traversed deeper and deeper in to the woods.

The wind sounded different in these parts, not the gentle swoosh but a terrifying clanging off rusted chimes and bells. Jesse ran as quickly as he could, letting the outstretched branches claw at his already grazed knees and knobbly arms. Then suddenly, he stopped blinded by a burst of shimmering light above. He stared up and up till his eyes could no longer withstand the glare. Waves of gold swirled around the branches as a fiery concoction of orange and yellow crackled brightly on the topmost branch of the oldest and largest of all trees, making it look as if it were set on fire.

In the bowl of fire stood Leslie, smiling widely, her dimples dancing. Her golden bob now outlined in silver against the bright light. Jesse leapt up a branch as though he had done so many times before and with the grace of a cat, shimmeyed up the tree with ease.

Not blessed with magical transformations, all I could do was share the view they saw through their eyes and watch in awe as Leslie proclaimed "Welcome to Terabithia".

A story of family and friendship, Bridge to Terabithia is a touching story set to warm the heart and rekindle memories of good family times and the days when imagination is all you need to take you to a different place. Terabithia is not a fiction-turned-reality world like Harry Potter's wizarding community or Frodo's world of Hobbits and Orcas. Terabithia is pure imagination, rooted enough to tell us that real life is still out there and how precious it is to share something so entirely different with another who understands your awkwardness and your uniqueness. This is not a story about rescue missions or the fight against evil, this is the story of two children sharing a special bond, struggling with their families and trying to find their way in a world which did not welcome them.

The tears came rolling down at the ending. Leslie's untimely death, Jesse's guilt, a father's unexpressed love for his son and a sister at the receiving end of unrequitted love. Reality haunts us everyday, pushing the daydreams and imagination away. But fantasy doesn't have to be magic of defense or magical rings which could destroy us, fantasy can be a place where two misunderstood souls make themselves believe there is hope and that they are not alone if they can keep their minds open.

Dear Jay

Dear Jay,

Yesterday I was sitting at the coffee shop again. Where and which you don't need to know, as I do not intend for our paths to cross again. The mom was having a heart-to-heart with the boyfriend. She flew all the way from Singapore for love. I laughed because it reminded me of the hasty decision I'd made to follow you all the way here and to have broken myself into pieces. He had hit her and hurt her several times. She still loves him, she really does. But that doesn't mean that she's not afraid. She is, very much so. The fear that haunted me years ago has dessipated. The hurt is gone together with the memories. You are but a shadow of the past now.

Hwan said today "When a man loves a woman, he will do anything for her. When he no longer does, he won't even ask about her".

I said in return "When a woman loves a man, he'll scream and hurt her. When she no longer does, he'll cease to exist and she'll be left feeling empty."

I did not mean it literally. What I meant was, once something has occupied a space in your life for such a long time, you'll feel lost when it's dug right out of you no matter how bad you felt at the time. You were that stone carved in my heart. Even when you no longer loved me the pieces kept chiseling away, perfecting all your details and your habits in my memory.

Hurt makes us strong if only we know how to harness it. And time.. only time heals. And this is only if you let yourself heal. I no longer have to feel like there's something I could have done better and no longer feel ashamed. It's been a while since I've walked away but I don't think you understand that I had to. I wasn't running away, I merely wanted peace of mind.

Dear Jay,

Love hurts and it is painful. But that doesn't mean that we should stop loving. A perfect love is an untested love - and no such love exists. Eventhough we did not pass the test, we have left much revision to be done. It is with these notes that we take to the next relationship. I am glad we had the chance to be tested and I can now go away knowing I have learnt how to love and will love again.

I need you to understand that what we have now is the best there is. This distance is what we have to accept. Can you do me that favour? To keep this distance so that there's enough space in my tired heart to grow again?

You're so right

I'm so jealous..

But not because of the guy. It's because of the girl. The one you're supposedly close with now? The one who has met you. The one who you see everyday in class. The one who can talk to you when she wants to. The one who can go to lunch or dinner with you. The one who can sit beside you and lend you a shoulder if you tell her all the things you tell me.

In that split second.

All you have to do is to tell her. And then I am no more.

I can only say this here. Because you never come by anymore. You don't need to hear what's in my heart.

Flurry..

I went to the new Body Jam launch today. At 7.30. PM. Late class. Lots of people.

There's something funny about listening to two guys whispering sweet nothings to each other. I can't really describe it. Especially when I could practically hear everything they were saying.

"If a girl looked at my boyfriend like that I would get really pissed."

Woah.

Ok. Scenario noted. Anyone else feel this way? A little more thinking, a little less looking.

This was why I dare not turn to look at them.

One of them ended up joining the class as well, but only after a big smacker from the boyfriend before entering.

Today's workout was totally whacked!! Both Natalie and Paul were there just to make sure we weren't going to kill each other over space. Ok, maybe not. But centre stage was crawling with people. I had no idea so many people could fit into such a small space. I wandered off a little from the back to the left side of things. As there was a huge pillar blocking my vision, I had a pretty big piece of floor to my dispense. The trick is to know the class and imitate the "experts" - there's this girl who has "cheerleader" written all over her. It's impossible to see the instructors with so many feet covering your view; student alternatives are the better choice on the crowded dance floor.

The tempo's really fast. What a mix of latin, country and krumping! Yes, we learned to krump. Only, after getting the intense choreography, I had hardly any energy left to "krump" therefore being rather half-hearted after that. I suppose it helps if I'm angry. But no reason to be angry today. Besides, that would give Chand more reason to pull off my white hairs one by one like what she did during Yan Yao's housewarming.

Bear with me, I'm talking at random here.

Yan Yao and family moved a tad bit further from where they used to stay, which is actually very far in the first place. Glen Waverley itself. Funny us. Tsu Ann, Chandra, Natasha, Huey Koon and I boarded the train at 11 and arrived at Yan Yao's place at 1pm. Why is that? Because we caught the wrong bus at the train station! 5 people, and we all got it wrong. Ended up making a loop on the bus, causing some sleepiness and nausea (in my case) on the way. I looked out the window and saw..... MONASH!

We were clearly lost. We ended up at a place at the beginning of Zone 2 when we were suppose to be at the other end of the world (not quite, but you get the idea). After some frantic discussion and a bewildered bus driver, Lonsdale Crescent did not exist! Quite appropriate, coz it's actually called LANsdale Crescent -.-"

When we finally arrived (15 minutes walk from Knox City?), woah! it was "Wasp"land.

1) They are carnivorous. Don't worry, no one got eaten.
2) They dont die.

There were heaps of them! Having a barbeque pit and lots of fruit (plus mango cake) did not help. We settled down (after introductions to Yan Yao's ed. friends) to a somewhat fidgety lunch as Natasha, Chand and Huey Koon had bad cases of Wasphobia. For some reason, those things wouldn't stop pestering them!

After a few interrupted moments, we decided to retire into the lounge room. There were two sides really - one with very comfy chairs (we nearly fell asleep - I tried but Chand wouldn't let me!) and the other with really nice carpet (real soft to the feet) and interior design. There were actually 4 lion heads displayed around the house. Err.. By lion heads I mean the lion dance ones, not Safari-Africa kinds. And no, I did not bring my camera! ARGH!

Here I go again.

Studying in Swinburne still feels a bit funny. I haven't really explored the place other than the BA, EN and LB building which by the way are the Business and Arts, Engineering North and Library building. Yeap, everything is abbreviated as opposed to the Baldwin Spencer, Copland and Russell Lowe which I'm so used to.

BUT, I still get to use the comp lab in Redmond Barry (here's another one) :P Annie has access.

My newer friends include Sneha, Vanessa and Lynn - all from Monash. I haven't really gotten to know them all that well yet but it was nice of them to invite me to join their study group - which I gladly accepted. Going it alone could prove disastrous in a new environment. We will be discussing the Multiple Regression assignment next week. I'm still quiet at this point, don't know what's taking me so long to come out of my shell.

The lecturers and tutors are pretty nice and helpful. Looks like my supervisor will be Dr. Williams (Ben). I'm still deciding on a "Humaness" project vs. a Music preference (personality) project.

Train rides to Swinburne are long sometimes. Was lucky to have caught two Expresses today - not too draggy. Read and studied for a bit at Borders and special ordered (shhhhhh..) a Libera CD for Qijian. Now all I have to do is get an address somehow.

Time for stats~
Tabachnick and Fidell - Data Screening.
Ciao!

Busy Day

Today turned out to be one of the busiests days I've had since graduation day. And here I'll reveal to you the extent of my boredom during holidays. This is actually exciting compared to all other days thus far.

Woke up surprisingly (maybe not) early today at 11a.m. Reason? I had a date with Hwan and Vera. Went to brush, change and what not. Just in time to pick Hwan up and get down to Taiwan Cafe to meet Vera at 12. Wrong.

The car was missing!

Wait. Save your breaths. It wasn't stolen. My mom drove it out apparently (I found out later) to fix her hair for purposes which I will reveal to you later. Of course she came back late. What time? I don't know. Because in the end, Vera had to come and pick me up and then pick Hwan up. Our 12 o'clock lunch became a three hour yak starting from 1p.m. till 4 just sitting there talking long after scores of customers have come and gone. HAhaha.. well, really, it was mostly the both of them talking. I listened. Funny. I consider myself as pretty talkative but not quite as "gusto-ic" as these sisters of mine :)

Sweet Vera

Poised Hwan

We talked about a zillion things. All of which were very interesting. I won't divulge all the details, but they centre around men. No, we were NOT fawning over them. I guess I never realized how liberal all of us are. Heh. It was more like a scaled-down version of the Australian Open slammin' :P

Having sat there for 3 hours, I'm surprised that the people there didn't throw us out. Hohoho :P Yes, it's been a year since we all saw each other.

LOL! Not camwhores :P Just friends who miss each other :) Btw, only Hwan is available, in case anyone is interested. Hehe..

Vera drove back up to Taman Tunku to get Hwan back home before the 5pm news was due to start in order for her to follow her research. Yeaps. Hwan is a media and communications/broadcast student. Pretty cool huh? ;) On the way there however.. we got.. err.. distracted :P

These groups of pictures were taken in front of the kiddie pool at Taman Miri. We've all heard of it, but none of us have actually been there till this afternoon. Hahah.. wish we were kids again.. :)

Just as we dropped Hwan off, my dad called to say that I have to be back in time for his company's family dinner! :/ I didn't realize we had to arrive by 6. Vera managed to err.. deliver me at the door at 5.30. LOL! Rush rush rush.. Remember my mom went to fix her hair? Well, this was why!

God Help Me.

I was told to give a speech. I nearly died. Not quite, since I'm still here to tell the story. Goodness.. my B.M. was soooooooooo rusty. I had to improvise -.-" Gosh. Stumbled over a few words. Otherwise, I'm ok. But there's no way I'm doing something like that again without any preparation! Never again will I improvise at such a rate. I had what.. half an hour to prepare?

-.-"

I really need to work on my presentation skills. So ends my exciting day. I'm back to sitting in front of the screen again.. typing into the late of night..

"... travel into unchartered territories..."

Just as Ian wrote in one of his essays. Sometimes the boy's enthusiasm and willingness to challenge himself inspires me to push myself to be better. I have decided to widen my scope by taking the GRE. The GRE (Graduate Record Examination) is something similar to SATs, its undergrad entry counterpart. As the name suggests, it's for graduate students who want to venture into postgraduate studies. There are three components, the quantitative, written and verbal. This is the general test. I have decided to take the subject test for Psych as well. The expensive fees aside, I've learnt so much already. It helps chip away the senselessness of this holiday too. Therefore a slight change to the agenda as displayed on the side ------------>
I've signed up for the general test on 28th April. That should give me enough time to prepare and to re-take if I have to.

With that in motion, I guess the next question on people's minds will be, does that mean I'm forgoing my plans to continue my studies in Australia? To be honest, I don't have a definite answer. I just want to have options. Going to the United States is an option I can take and should if I am able to. After all, that's where it all begins.. no reason to take a loop to the other end of the world. Front and centre.

Chun How and I always have a good chat. He's one of the closest guy friends I have. We can talk about anything under the sun. The most recent topic was about the SNAG.

SNAG = Sensitive New Age Guy

Would the SNAG be the cure that most modern career-driven women are looking for? I stand by the point that men and women are from totally different planets. It's no wonder that some decide to stay on their own planets if you know what I mean. I don't know if I'll be come a career-driven woman, but I could do with a SNAG anytime.

It always feels great to talk to someone about real issues rather than who broke up with who or which girl is pregnant. Who says guys and girls can't just be really good friends? Of course, it helps when you've spent the better half of Primary 6 whacking each other's arms in the classroom. It's funny how the years have gone by. People change, relationships change, places change. If your heart stays the way it is, strong and loyal, you'll get by somehow.

I've been listening to different genres of music lately. I have no idea how to load a song here. So until someone can tell me how, here's one of my new favourites with compliments from your favourite video database, youtube.com. This was the best I could find, after all.. this song is 25 years old :)

"Edge of Seventeen - Stevie Nicks".

*This post was written several days ago and postponed because youtube.com seems to be on strike. "Edge of Seventeen" is still a great song :P Someone teach me how to load a song here?
- 11th January, 2006

For the people who are deluded

Relationships can't work on pure love. Unless you're one of those people who display your sordid affairs in books, the screens or exist only within your own minds.

Without understanding or acceptance, there is no love.

Understanding + acceptance + ?? = love

But wait a minute. I guess this means that love does makes relationships work. Only trouble is, a lot of people have the wrong impression of what love is.

I have yet to find out what that last element is. It's probably not a fixed factor. So I guess that's made up of a special concoction, unique to the people who experience this "love". Haven't got it, therefore don't know what it is. I'm sure all you people in love and clue me in.



So what of understanding and acceptance?

Keep in mind. Understanding alone isn't enough. It is possible to understand but not accept. Say your girlfriend does something you do not like. You tell her about it, you reason with her, you request for a change. More often than none, the girl goes away thinking, 'Ok I'll do this" and then fails. So you get upset, 'She's not listening to me!', try tell her again. The girl being the girl that she is feels 'He doesn't like me anymore. He didn't have any complaints before!' and blows up.
1) "No matter what I say, she doesn't understand. That's the way she is"
2) "I thought he understood me, but apparently I'm wrong
3) "Can't she accept what I'm trying to say? It's only for her own good."
4) "He doesn't accept who I am. Have I changed? Or has he?"

Once you get all these questions. End of story. You know why? Most of us are too chicken to work things out.
Like I said,
end of story.

Men are from Mars, Women from Venus. I don't know about the validity of our so-called planet origins, but if we are truthful with ourselves, most of the time we're thinking "Geez.. we really do come from different planets." A thousand times we mutter, 'You must BE from another planet, you don't understand me at all."

Love doesn't have to be perfect. It can't be. Unless of course, and I reiterate, you're a fictional character or live in a world where everyone else doesn't know what their talking about but you. But it can be worked out. Many people fail in this though. Not just passionate relationships. The platonic kinds too. Friendship, family ties, etc. We like to see the negative qualities in each other. Even gossip circulation falls prey to nasty emotions. It's just a fact that we like to dwell on the bad stuff. However, I believe we can overcome this, if only we begin to understand how damaging it can be and take the necessary steps to remind ourselves of the good qualities of those around us. We have high expectations, the closer the person is to us, the more we want to see out of them. Why? We like to have hope.

If we can began to understand that there is in fact, no hope of surrounding ourselves with people we love without a bit of effort understand AND accept them, then maybe, there will be hope :)