Dear Jay

Dear Jay,

Yesterday I was sitting at the coffee shop again. Where and which you don't need to know, as I do not intend for our paths to cross again. The mom was having a heart-to-heart with the boyfriend. She flew all the way from Singapore for love. I laughed because it reminded me of the hasty decision I'd made to follow you all the way here and to have broken myself into pieces. He had hit her and hurt her several times. She still loves him, she really does. But that doesn't mean that she's not afraid. She is, very much so. The fear that haunted me years ago has dessipated. The hurt is gone together with the memories. You are but a shadow of the past now.

Hwan said today "When a man loves a woman, he will do anything for her. When he no longer does, he won't even ask about her".

I said in return "When a woman loves a man, he'll scream and hurt her. When she no longer does, he'll cease to exist and she'll be left feeling empty."

I did not mean it literally. What I meant was, once something has occupied a space in your life for such a long time, you'll feel lost when it's dug right out of you no matter how bad you felt at the time. You were that stone carved in my heart. Even when you no longer loved me the pieces kept chiseling away, perfecting all your details and your habits in my memory.

Hurt makes us strong if only we know how to harness it. And time.. only time heals. And this is only if you let yourself heal. I no longer have to feel like there's something I could have done better and no longer feel ashamed. It's been a while since I've walked away but I don't think you understand that I had to. I wasn't running away, I merely wanted peace of mind.

Dear Jay,

Love hurts and it is painful. But that doesn't mean that we should stop loving. A perfect love is an untested love - and no such love exists. Eventhough we did not pass the test, we have left much revision to be done. It is with these notes that we take to the next relationship. I am glad we had the chance to be tested and I can now go away knowing I have learnt how to love and will love again.

I need you to understand that what we have now is the best there is. This distance is what we have to accept. Can you do me that favour? To keep this distance so that there's enough space in my tired heart to grow again?