27th March 2009

Lately my mood has been fluctuating between downright low and anxious, "safe" and with glimpses of hope.. only to plunge back down again.

What a rollercoaster ride!

Few things that are causing stress:
1) Myself
2) Placement
3) Uni
4) My health
5) Placement
6) Placement
7) Placement

I think I'm giving myself too much pressure. I think I'm not capable enough. I think I should just give up. I think I'm not good enough for this.

Then...

I think I should let myself breathe one in a while. I think this too shall pass. I think that I've never given up on anything before, so why now? I think I will be good in time.

I think I think.. .

Yeah.. someone do cognitive-behavioural therapy on me!

Just because

What's she doing there?
Why didn't you tell me?
Maybe it's because you knew this
is what I would ask.
What's she to you?
Why didn't I know?
Maybe it because you knew this
is how I would react.

What's she got that I don't?
Why don't you tell me?
Maybe it's because
I already know
What are you up to?
Why won't you tell me?
Just because
you don't need me anymore.

It was only a couple of months back really..

We met under precarious circumstances. For him at least. Me? Life is always a challenge, so nothing new there.

I remember we talked about this girl who he very much loved I'm not sure what happened between us. Actually, I do know, but part of me wants to pretend that I don't. He was useful because I need to be trusted. And he needed to trust after having been battered to the last of his wits. And there I was.

I do that a lot you know. Handing trust on a silver platter. Should he have been afraid? I still do not think so, but my faith wanders every now and again. That's just for me to feel better you know. Because in the end I'm the one who is alone, like I always was. And I despair to think that I might always be. But that's another story.

Of course, he was kind enough. He must be. I never take interest in those who haven't a decent bone in them. There are those people, rare, but there are out there all the same. I takes effort to be all bad I feel. We are human after all. He told me about possibilities and dreams amidst the doubt and gloominess. With all the attention, I started to hope again, knowing very well that faith borne from vulnerability is really more of a need not a want.

So now I am sitting here again, and the end of a chapter, with blank pages ahead. No foreseeable direction to the next piece of the plot in life. I am grateful though, for those people who are constant, fading in and out of this long journey of mine. Never seeming to mind when I disappear into my own world now and again, sometimes for months. never begrudging me of the times where I forget about them, and turn up only in times of need. Thank you is not enough but all I know how to begin. And you can be assured that there is no end to that appreciation, no matter how unclear it seems.

Randomness

I'm sitting here staring out my window at 1.44am when I should be asleep. Why? Because there is class tomorrow and that means waking up at 7am at the latest to catch the train to Geelong. I guess I wanted to do this while I'm in the mood. I can't remember if I did a retrospective account on New Year's Day (and I can't even be bothered to check because I feel so much like writing). So I'm doing this now in the middle of the night.

What have I got to show for in the past year?

Well, I'm doing my Masters. Only now when I look at those words clearly that it has finally sunk in. I am doing my Masters.
I am doing my Masters.
IamdoingmyMasters.

Masters.

Ok. Technically it's Master but it sounds weird when you say it without the S.

Who would have thought?
The girl who managed to flunk Chemistry, Biology, Physics and Additional Math all the way through Form 4 and 5 is doing a Masters.

You know. I think I lost a friend. A friend who says friends come and go. I don't know about that. I think you lose friends because you don't put in the effort. Or your friend doesn't put in the effort. Either way, when distance is the only problem, a fallout can be avoided if you TRY. So there.

Oh boy. It's turned into a rant already hasn't it? The post should be titled "Will you remember?"
coz obviously that's what's on my mind butIjustdon'twanttoadmitit. DidyouknowitisactuallykindadifficulttotypewithoutwantingtopressSpace?

Blah.
23.

24252627282930.

*shudders*

Now what else.......






*crickets*



















*more crickets*









Ermm.. I also got a haircut? Finally?

Life sucks as in B for Boring, Banal and Bland. Anything else from the dictionary?

It's been a long time coming

Sixth grade.
I smack on the head,
You grin
silly.

Six years Melb.
I shake your hand,
You smile
barely.

Would you?

If you're willing to break up over different opinion, you guys shouldn't be friends.
Coz who is right, who's gotta wake the other up, who gets to go out and not worry about the other. - that's the little stuff

What are you gonna do when the big stuff comes along? What are you gonna do when a new best friend shows up at the front door? Or you have problems with trust or one of you gets cancer?

At some point, the crap is gonna hit the fan and that is why now, before you make the commitment, you have to ask yourself, is that person at the other side of the world worth the trouble?

Do you love him so much that no disease, no disaster could possibly pull you apart?

It's not winter but I'm frozen

I don't want to be a cold bitch but I don't know how many times this wound can re-open before I bleed to death.

No I'm not

I'm not a good sister anymore. And less of a good friend. It's so much easier like this. I don't have to give a damn you know? It's hard to be like this in a world where NO ONE ELSE is interested in caring. So fuck yeah. Just sod off and leave me alone. I don't need to do this anymore.

Personality: the 2002-2008 gap (Class 2002 Reunion)

An ongoing debate in psychology is the nature vs. nature question and this applies particularly to human personality. Are we born with the personalities we have or is our environmental detrimental in shaping who we are?

The answer derived from last night's events reveals an "essence" in human personality. People look different, but were essentially the same :) I think pictures best describes the events, so I'll let the images speak for themselves.
















All in all a great night for human observation. Some mingled more than others. This was to be expected as it seems that secondary school cliques are strongest; anyhow, most did not allow petty school-girl squabbles to misdirect them from being sensible and at best civilized - which is more than I can say for some :) Some things just don't change and some people like being exclusive. Till next time~ :)

Love and Seperation

For a friend. You know who you are.


O, how this spring of love resembleth
The uncertain glory of an April day;
Which now shows all the beauty of the sun,
And by and by a cloud takes all away.

Let this sad interim like the ocean be
Which parts the shore, where two contracted new
Come daily to the banks, that, when they see
Return of love, more blest may be the view;
Else call it winter, which being full of care
Makes summer's welcome thrice more wish'd, more rare.

- Shakespeare.

It's Saturday

And I don't have a yellow shirt.

It seems that I have also left my camera cable back in Melbourne, therefore, all the pictures I've taken so far - still in the camera. Albert has generously lent his USB with a memory card slot to a friend. For a week. So it's no go there too.

Besides not having a yellow shirt and boring everyone with wordy blog posts, I'm patienthelen in every sense of the word.

Yeah, I'm sick.

Which sucks because this was suppose to be the day Alan and I catch up since a year ago. You see, after three days of sneezing, coughing and increasingly uncomfortable throat I finally went to the doctor's yesterday. He declared that I have several ulcers in my throat (ouch!), and the common cold thrown in. He even checked for red spots on my hands and feet for HFM (the horror!). I was like "what?!"

*Insert picture of Mt. Medication*

It was all ok. I wasn't feeling too bad albeit the difficulty swallowing and the general sluggishness. And then I woke up this morning.

HELLA painful! It felt like I'd been in a construction accident where some bricks had dislodged and landed on the base of my skull and chopped my neck into half. I wanted to cry my ass off but knew (from the terrible migraines I used to have) it would only make things worse. Sucked it up and downed some Advil (thank you people who created these wonderful painkillers).

The pain subsided after I woke up a couple of hours later. I hope it stays under control :/ Otherwise I might have to cancel with Zhung too. Damn this sucky thing..

On the other hand, I'm looking forward to CNY and of course, the reunion :D The numbers are wayyy unexpected! We are 25 and growing! Can you believe it? I'm hella psyched :) and abusing the word "hella" so I better stop doing that now.

Also received course handbook last week which outlined the next two years of my life basically. It's gonna be one helluvah ride but hey, I'm ready to meet the weird, weirder and the not-so-weird.

Fen got back last night :) Alan this morning, Zhung later in the evening, Qijian and Hwan on Monday and Chunny on Wednesday! :D

HURRAY for temporary reprieve for boredom~

Age is Just Another Painful Number

Growing old alone ain't easy. I'm sure you'll agree with me. I have yet to file the papers for Spinstership Society, but I have the documents handy. Thank God for friends and family :)

I got my first card from Meng Yee. It was sitting in my mailbox 5 days before the big day.

On the Saturday before, Tsu Ann, Chand and I had dimsum. It was a busy week for them - anyone who has watched "Tails" would agree that it was worth it!

Chand and I outside West Lake.

The celebration came, as always, in the form of a simple dinner :) This year, at Oriental Spoon.

Group picture

Vanilla Sponge Cake with errr.. chocolate, chocolate liquor, um.. pastry bits, etc. :P

One of the reasons why this year is special is because of Emily :) This would be 5 years since I last celebrated my birthday with her. Emily is one of my oldest ever :) Since we were... Primary 3? It was (is, she's still here!) great to have a good friend by your side on a memorable day :)

Emily half way around the world from Nottingham :)

With Em, Sab and Yen Khai :)

Melissa and Rosanne

No birthday is complete without the cousin :P

Colin and girl friend Siew Joo

Gracing us with his ultimate soikuanness :P

Then there's dep zhai August.

Wouldn't let me cut the cake in peace!

August and girlfriend Ayumi :)

And of course.. Baonie :D

Annie Susu :)

Incidentally there were 5 secondary school mates at the dinner. Did not realize this till someone (I forgot who!) pointed it out. For "old" times sake, we tried to do the jumping spontaneously photo.

I said we tried.

Finally giving up :P

Total : 222.20, Toto anyone?

The night didn't end then. Mr Qijian decided to hog my line until it was midnight, officially my birthday. LOL. So the 1st Place Birthday Wishing (Australian Time) Award went to him.

I must say, Facebook certainly makes birthdays quite interesting. I received an array of "Facebook" gifts this year.

No Fear of 22 - Fyin Chin :)

Ian was the first one to wish me on Malaysian time :) and spent 2 hours on his drawing. LOL. Something which would've taken me much longer. Tell me it looks like one of those Hallmark birthday cards.

And I thought, is this even possible using Facebook Graffiti?

My own product

You can run but you can't hide wrinkles~

I also received a growing gift from Monica (which turned out to be a strawberry!) and a free gift from Dan Ru courtesy of Facebook. Technology comes in handy when you're far far away dunnit? :D

On the big day itself I had to attend a Red Cross volunteer session. But the surprises kept coming.

Pei Sze (in Tasmania) who again, employed services of boyfriend Cheng Loong to send me another slice from Brunetti's and a card :D

From Emily and Mann Chii :P who know my favourite things :D

The long-awaited wallet from Chand since my last one was stolen October 2006 :P

Puppy and toiletries compliments from Rosanne and Mel :)

Chockies from Siew Joo! LOL.. Oh my stomach.. don't know whether to laugh or cry.. :P

Photoframe, much needed highlighters and notebook from Colin :)

Angels of Aceh from Sabrina :)

The days after....

Bracelets and pendants from Sneha :D My favourite is the brown one with

little buddha cravings

Top and the prettiest box ever from Iris, another dear old friend who never forgets :)

huggies for you dear.. :) I miss our "bookie" chats :P

Many many thanks to the following for all your wishes :) You make me realize how lucky I am every year..

Colin, August, Phoebe, Chunny, Donkey, Fen, Hwan, Vera (despite travelling up to Brunei), Juk (for your e card :D ), Ian, Bel, Qijian, Emily, Li Kun, Meng Yee, Chun Ping, Shinny (the long email despite busy moving to London), Iris, Mabel, Zhungyi (the call despite overwhelmed with work), Barry, Pei Sze, Yaow, Cheng Loong, Tsu Ann, Cindy, Sabrina, Rosanne, Melissa, Mann Chii, Siew Joo, Ayumi, Jingting, Betty, Kim, Yen Khai, Sneha, Lynn, Vanessa, Andy, Chai Lim, Chloe, Cassandra, Yuang Teck, Jeslyn, Jimmy, Han Sze, Rudi, Dan Ru, Evelyn, Doris, Regine, Rudi, Doris, Fyin, Geok Poh, Siaw Lan, Jack, Si Ying, May-Lin, Joanna, Monica, David Tay, Sue Ann..

Hope I didn't miss anyone out~

Helen, wishing you happy 22nd birthday and may happiness and good health be with you for many many more years to come.. love always, Daddy, Mommy and Albert..

Sydney - Love and Food

Love and Food. My fuel for life.

Sydney had both things. Too much I almost suffocated.

Tell me when will you be mine,
Tell me Helen Helen Helen...
We can share a love divine,

Please don't make me wait again.

-Tham Tsu Ann, 2007, adapted from Michael Buble "Quando, quando, quando", originally sung by Engelbert Humperdinck

This was sung to me on a ferry, in the middle of the night, under fairy lights in the rain. Ladies, do your guys do that?

Romantic. But it got scary after a while. LOL!! :P sorry t-suann! too many timessssssss :P

I have been to Sydney three times. Thrice the experience, each different from the next. Now that we've got the Love part down, here's the other half of the equation:

Harry's Cafe de Wheels - Famous Pies since 1945.

Good enough to elicit this expression when threatened.

Bondi Beach - Playing with my food

Fried Mars Bar

Cupcakes from Cupcakes.

Cupcakesssss

More Cupcakessss :D

Famous Pancakes on the Rocks on our first morning. Only we had them at Darling Harbour not the Rocks :P

Orange Jaffe

Potato Au Gratin

Mexicana

Korean spread on the first night

Seafood at the Fish Market

And a hundred more places I don't have pictures of at the moment.

We took a Sydney Opera House tour and the architecture was amazing!!

Architect John Utzon designed the outer case of the Opera House, while the interiors were visualized by Australian architects. The last picture shows that the shell and the inner chambers are completely seperate.

We went to see the Blue Mountains...

Not very blue in my opinion.

Eucalyptus trees emit fumes which when lighted by the sun create an optical illusion as if the mountains were blue. So yea, they're not really blue :P

The Three Sisters...

Once upon a time... people who have yet to learn about the story should click here coz I'm too lazy to explain :P

Of course, while stuffing our faces and visiting famous tourist spots, we documented the trip with our beautiful, glowing selves.

Glowing on a ferry ride with Sydney Opera House in the background.

Blue Mountains :) Chandra, Pei Yin, Tsu Ann and me.

Very contented most of the time.

Particularly because of the special treatment I got throughout the trip.

With Tsu Ann - Opera House by Moonlight.

Ribs and Steak at Hurricane's, Bondi Beach.

With Chandra my tormenter on the Airport train.

Being Thai in a Korean restaurant?!

The group at Darling Harbour.

Group at Sydney Opera House on a cloudy day.

Camwhoring instead of doing what we were suppose to do :P