Hollow in the Heart

As most Mirians would be aware of, there has been a horrifying case of rape and murder recently.
The girl named Tiffany Wong, a recent graduate from St. Joseph Miri met with death by the hands of her friend. In my opinion, this was a case of intentional murder and that is what's terrifying. Along with the emotional repercussions of the case, another point of interest was the motive and the intention of the alleged (and anyone from home would argue 'definite') murderer.

From rumous and news reports we have gathered:  
a) He was a childhood friend (point of interest: how close were they really? had they been friends all along? case in point: it appears that swhe had wished him a happy birthday sometime in November last year. However, assuming that we have a different mentality as to what friendship is, she seems to be an individual (based on age, the number of FB friends she has, and the number of pictures she takes) who is likely to wish anyone within relative close proximity (let's narrow this down to secondary school friends including seniors and juniors, as well as primary school friends who have gone on to the same secondary school which includes the alleged murderer). Was he a part of her group of friends or merely an acquaintance that she knew since childhood? As I'm considering this point, I'm thinking about the numerous people I know from childhood and have been in the same school but only consider as acquaintances and not "friend".)

b) They have mutual friends (Based on comments on FB, 3rd degree association - "I know that guy too." (knowing both the victim and the prepetrator as members of the same school), 2nd degree association - "He is another friend" (being friends with both victim and prepetrator). At this point, we may establish that they share at best a cordial relationship, or have mutual friends within the same class/school.

c) He had a crush on her that was never reciprocated. (Missing information: Had he perhaps professed his love to her prior and was rejected? Or was this one of those instances where it is unrequitted because he's never had the cojones to do anything? Was he out of her league? Again, based on the number of friends he has (99- before the account was deactivated, present - probably none), compared to the number she had (1095), it would seem that she was Miss cheery and popular, while he remains relatively in the background.

d) She was going to meet a friend who had her result slip OR she was going to school to collect her result slip
(i) If she was going to meet a friend who had her result slip because her father wanted to see it (again, info gathered from various forums)
Points of interest:
did the friend know she was going to get a ride from the guy? if so, she would have clued the parents in as to her whereabouts
why was her result slip with her friend? and if so, did the school release her results to her friend, are they allowed to do that? (just curious) OR she gathered her results and left it with her friend (why though? had she forgotten? or were her results less than desirable for parental viewing? it appears that she scored 4As, which is better than what I did, but then again, I wasn't at home to face the warth of my parents when they found out)
(ii) If she was going to school to collect her result slip, did she call the guy to pick her up? if not, how did he just magically show up at her place to offer her a ride? At this point, perhaps we can establish that they had been exchanging text messages, so what does that tell us about their friendship? probably closer than just a cordial friendship re: back to point (b), or she's just a super friendly girl

e) She had willingly gotten into his car, witnessed by mother. Again, none of her friends could attest to knowing a mutual friend owning a grey Waja/Toyota (hate newspapers and confusing facts). So what can we deduce from this? He DOES not run in her circle of friends/it's a car they've never seen him drive before, in which case, he must have done some planning to ensure that he couldn't be traced/identified, but for what? maybe not murder, but certainly having the purpose to do something untoward to this poor girl.

f) Her mother did not know who she was going out with, or who she was meeting. This is presumably (as is the case nowadays) due to current casual parental attitudes and the sheer number of casual friendships young people seem to have nowadays. Your parents won't know all your friends, and they do not bother to ask you where you are and what you're doing. We could perhaps assume that (i) she's a good girl who doesn't need monitoring, (ii) being in Miri gives us a false sense of security as to its surroundings and the character of the people, (iii) her parents do not know about her activities which seem to include at least on ONE occasion getting drunk to the extent that as one friend put it "kiss her till she also don't know", and "singing k till midnight". At this point I'd like to thank my father for calling me at the age of 25, while in Miri, when I'm not back by 12am, after only being out at 8pm and questioning me incessantly if I head out after 9pm.

I put to the public that 
a) He drove her away, intending to perhaps declare his love for her, and most certainly elicit some kind of sexual favour from her
b) The best case scenario for him is that she would agree, and then they would begin a relationship.
c) The girl does not seem like someone who WOULD consent to any sexual favours, because
(i) She appears to be a decent girl (tell me if I'm overestimating her integrity just by deducing from her pictures and statements from her friends, although I may be biased towards band members)
(ii) It seems that she has a boyfriend and he looks to be a decent guy too (again speculation)
d) So if he drove her out with the intention of currying sexual favour, knowing these points about her (being her friend), how did he guesstimate his chances of succeeding to be? Surely none or remotely close to that? 

Therefore, assuming that he knew he had less than a 5% chance of succeeding, did he not think what he was going to do to keep her from ratting on him? Unless he was clearly the brainless imbecile people are making him out to be, then the probable chances of her coming out alive from this from the moment he offered her a ride was close to none. Doesn't this then, make it premeditative murder?

To put it simply, here are possible thoughts:
"I'll tell her I love her, have sex with her, we live happily ever after"
"I'll tell her I love her, ask her if she'll have sex with me, and if she says no we'll just let it be without anyone knowing"
"I'll tell her I love her, ask her if she'll have sex with me, and if she says no I'll let her go and don't mind if she tells the world what I just asked her"
"I'll tell her I love her, force her to have sex with me, then let her go and hope she won't tell"
"I'll tell her I love her, force her to have sex with me, then let her go so she can tell the world"
"I'll tell her I love her, force her to have sex with me, kill her so that she doesn't tell"

Which of these seem likely to you?

Safety is of the essence
Because there is relatively nothing we can do once we step into a car belonging to the person who intends to kill us, what other safety precautions can we take BEFORE we make that decision?
1) Tell your parents where you're going and who you're out with
2) Let your friends know at the very least
3) Do not trust anyone beyond your circle of closest friends
4) Your classmate who says hi to you is NOT your 'close friend'
5) Do not assume your childhood friend who you've seen in waist-line pants and pigtails remain the same
6) Make sure you have trusted people on speed dial
7) Do not go to any remote areas with guy friends
8) Better still, if you seriously do not know the guy well AND he has a girlfriend and offers you a ride, say NO, or bring a girl friend along.
9) NO ONE is decent by association, just because he's your bestfriend's boyfriend or good friend or whatever friend does not make it safe, so don't get in.

To be honest, if a guy asked me for a sexual favour I'd rather grab his steering wheel and risk having the both of us perish in an accident than having him try to rape me or murder me after. The saddest thing is, she COULDN'T have known his intentions. But now that this has happened in non-happening Miri, everyone (I don't discount guys) should keep these motives in mind. Remember, anyone who dares to even ask cannot be trusted. I don't care if "it's mens' nature, they can't help themselves" as some people put it on the forums. We are all capable of self-control so that's bullshit. 

Just because

What's she doing there?
Why didn't you tell me?
Maybe it's because you knew this
is what I would ask.
What's she to you?
Why didn't I know?
Maybe it because you knew this
is how I would react.

What's she got that I don't?
Why don't you tell me?
Maybe it's because
I already know
What are you up to?
Why won't you tell me?
Just because
you don't need me anymore.

Don't be too hopeful for your own good :)

I realize that my posts nowadays differ very much from how I used to blog. I used to talk about my own thoughts, then I went on to talk about my everyday doings. The mundane stuff.

I was reading through my old friendster blog and thought, "Hey, I really had much more to say back then". And am a bit surprise at the extent of my expressiveness back then, which, if you come to think of it, was not too long ago (2004).

So I'll blog about my thoughts from now on. Unless I come across another bowl of yummy laksa and other similar eats :)

"Are all men liars?"

When you think about a statement like that, you have to consider all parts. The three key words here of course, are "all", "men", and "liars".

To be fair, the same can be said of women. So dear men, feel free to debate "Are all women liars?". Just don't do it in front of me.

Ok. The easiest thing to clarify is "Men". By "men" I mean those with XY chromosomes. Any other variation of the chromosome doesn't count, hereby excluding those with Down Syndrome, Fragile X and the like because these poor souls can't help their genes. It also excludes gays because I'm not likely to marry one. Although I must admit that is my greatest nightmare. And also, we must not forget to strike out anyone below the age of 18 and those > 40, because let's face it: I have no interest in getting into a lawsuit or dating someone who farts like my dad.

"Liars" or "a liar" is more difficult to define. The first thing that comes to mind is "A person who tells lies". But then you have to define what a lie is. Lie = an untruth; opposite of what is the truth. Now, I'm not a tyrant, so I say, white lies don't count when someone's life is at the brink of death. Something like lying to the person who is about to die because of an accident. Morbid, but acceptable.

Now, on to the reason why this statement is even running through my mind. The issue of "all". "All" means every single XY chromosome, straight, legal aged non-geriatric man. I had a man say, "Oh you know, looks doesn't matter. I don't care what you look like."

Stick up your picture, and he tries to slink away subtlely.

LIAR!

Or maybe I'm just too hopeful for my own good.

But we'll save that debate for another day.

Perfección

Hm.. During this point in the year, I'd normally be feeling exhilarated and totally into my work. But a sudden wave of homesick-ness just struck me. Now where did that come from?

Things have changed over the last few months since I landed back here in Melbourne. I lost a lot of my supports from the past year so I'm now officially on my own. The emotional support I have gathered over the past years in Melbourne are now gone. Even my best buddy is so busy that we have drifted quite a bit despite some efforts and a few calls in between the craziness.

I took the plunge and almost hit the bottom of the pool. Hell, Masters is even deeper a shit than Honours. It's killing me. Now I understand the importance of a fantastic supervisor. I miss Dr. Ben Williams! :/ He should give his interpersonal skills more credit. Maybe there are too many distractions (assignments every bloody week) that lure me away from really getting excited about my current research project (Uh, what is that I'm doing again?). I can barely explain what I'm doing.

I have two more exams to go before the "end of the semester" which technically doesn't exist because there will be seminars and placements starting in July, IF the Deakin staff can get themselves together that is. They tell us that we can only take 2 to 3 weeks off in the summer but haven't even managed to find us placements yet. What's taking so damn long man? Like WTF? Do you want us to do it or not? I want to get a headstart so I can take break later. The reason why you'll only give us a short summer break is coz YOU can't find us placements, not because WE start late -.-

There is a difference between being lazy and being obstructed because of TECHNICALITIES caused by YOU.

Damn Damn Damn Damn Damn Damn!

As you can see, I'm feeling extremely frustrated. And these feelings don't help with my feeling more comfortable towards this course and the people in-charge. Geez, get on with it already. Is there a money back guarantee I can apply for???????

"You must attend 90% of the classes"

Well fuck you. I learned more in THIRD YEAR than I learned shit in these past 3 months. And my coursemates wonder why I fall asleep sitting upright.

I hope the placements will be better coz at the moment, the coursework sucks ass.

Damn it.

Beer cuts..

.. you and your heart.

I swear, it was coincidentally that finger. We might not be looking at the same stars. But point away.

No I'm not

I'm not a good sister anymore. And less of a good friend. It's so much easier like this. I don't have to give a damn you know? It's hard to be like this in a world where NO ONE ELSE is interested in caring. So fuck yeah. Just sod off and leave me alone. I don't need to do this anymore.

So many Bulls, but the Year of the Rat is coming.

Shit belong in the drain and should be flushed down immediately; otherwise, don't blame anyone else for the bad stench!

I hope people aren't as naive as to believe that things will change around this country. I've been keeping up with news on Malaysiakini. It's the month of promises and the stench is overwhelming! Only when elections are coming do people "apologize" and throw in another sack of "goodies". They can bribe people for all I care, but people should realize it's perfectly alright to take a bite and still vote the other way. Enjoy the current benefits coz you can be sure of deceptive "Who? Me?"s after all this hubbab is over.

Do you seriously think that the country could be any WORSE if someone else is in charge? Please. New shit is better than 50 years of shit. It's practically decomposed and wayyyyyyy past its nutritional benefits to our grassroots.

Yes, the Year of the Rat is coming. Do you see one? There are several big ones scurrying around trying to patch the holes they made on rice sacks.

Er, sorry. Rats don't do that.

Following that is the Year of the Ox. If you don't wanna see old bullshit everywhere, make the wise choice and flush out the old shit.

Don't take any more crap than you have to.

Sitting Down Here - Lene Marlin

This totally describes my current predicament.

I'm sitting down here,
But hey you can't see me

Your words cut deeply,
They're just some other lies
I'm hiding from a distance,
I've got to pay the price
Defending all against it,
I really don't know why
You're obsessed with all my secrets,
You always make me cry
You seem to wanna hurt me
No matter what I do
I'm telling just a couple,
But somehow it gets to you
But I've learned to get revenge
And I swear you'll experience that some day

I'm sitting down here,
But hey you can't see me
Kinda invisible
You don't sense my stay
Not truly hiding, not like a shadow
Just thought I would join you for one day
I'm sitting down here,
But hey you can't see me

I'm not trying to avoid you,
Just don't wanna hear your voice
When you call me up so often,
I don't really have a choice
You're talking like you know me
And wanna be my friend
But that's really too late now,
I won't try it once again
You may think that I'm loser,
But I don't really care
You may think that it's forgotten,
But you should be aware
Cause I've learned to get revenge
And I swear you'll experience that some day

I'm sitting down here,
But hey you can't see me
Kinda invisible
You don't sense my stay
Not truly hiding, not like a shadow
Just thought I would join you for one day

I'm sitting down here,
But hey you can't see me
Kinda invisible
You don't sense my stay
Not truly hiding, not like a shadow
But sure I wanna join you for one day

You seem to wanna hurt me
No matter what I do
I'm telling just a couple,
But somehow it gets to you
But I've learned to get revenge
And I swear you'll experience that some day

I'm sitting down here,
But hey you can't see me
Kinda invisible
You don't sense my stay
Not truly hiding, not like a shadow
Just thought I would join you for one day

Dear Diary.

Hi D.,

I am sitting here again battling with the same problem. I think on all accounts I am lost and I HAVE lost. So many times. Too many times to count. It's always the same thing so I can't help but think to myself it must be me. The problem is me. These Problems are not problems simply because I instigated them and therefore, I must be the problem.

So tell me D., if you're a problem what would you do with yourself? The problem won't go away because it's in you, it's you. You can't solve a human. You can't save what's left of you because there's nothing left to save. And the people around you are going to watch you die slowly, unsuspectingly because you have this other life where you are accomplished, happy and surrounded by good things and a bright future.

You're so brave and you stand up to fight this problem. Then you realize you're fighting you and you can never win this battle until you point that sword at yourself. Then you relieve yourself and the people you love of this problem and never have to think about it again.

Your friend,
H.

Girls.

If there ever were a time to scream now is the time to do it.

GIRLS!!

Ugh.

They bitch and whine and get all petty. They snitch and dine and wanna be pretty. They pretend they like you and fly you an innocent smile. They don't throw punches just stab you in the back, whoever you are, however and whenever.

Damn it!

I'm a girl.

This whole thing is effing wearing me down..

I'm waiting.. waiting.. waiting..

It's been a long time since I've ever wanted something and let my true colours show. Do you know who I am? I'm not the nice girl who helps unconditionally, ever smiley and all that shit. I'm trying to be who I am but it's hard. The not so nice girl who helps but at most times uses that satisfaction to make herself feel better about her insecurities and whinges when people take her for granted.

It's hard swallowing this pill. Oh, like, how many times have I tried to delete the paragraph above? Gee, I lost count. Surprise, surprise.

Do you believe that personality is innate? I would say that our environment shapes our personality but once we reach a certain stage, we realize we can't really run too far away from it and have to deal with it eventually.

Obviously, I'm trying to deal.

Obviously, not dealing very well.

I still get pissed sometimes inside and I know it shows on my face easily. Observant people catch that brief glimpse. But what do I do? Plant on a smile (I don't know why people never realized it was sort of not there. Thank you high school drama competitions?), go home, bitch to thyself, maybe shed a few tears and then chill for a while. Next day? Everything is A-OK.

This is my life.

The facade is tiring. But the real me is terrifying. Yes, ladies and gentlemen. Looks like I'm on my way to getting a mental disorder.

*Ponders*

I was trying to recall if I ever had periods of time where I don't remember what I was doing.
Why? : Symptom of Dissociative Identity Disorder (formerly and more famously known as Multiple Personalities.)
Answer: Nope. I remember each and every sordid detail of my life, including the past. Damn! Those violins are playing again. *Thinks Freud* Modern psychodynamic approach anyone?

Desire. I want to do so many things with my life and in order to get there I'll have to compete with others. Sure, I need to compete with myself first. But.. argh *thinks Asian background*.. why is it that we are so consciously aware of how we are all relative to one another?

My relatives:
Relatively fatter
Relatively average
Relatively jealous
Relatively sarcastic (pessimistic) or witty (optimistic)
Relatively musically inclined but not THERE

I need relatively SMARTER! No. I need super smart. And I'm not.

Boo-hoo! Sucks to be me?!

And then the guilt comes. What's making my life difficult? Is it:
(A) My grouchy but capable of high tolerance despite lots of misgivings and yet about to blow out of proportion personality
(B) My overtly pessimistic view of life
(C) My lower-than-thou self-confidence though hopefully will get there once I sort out this identity crisis
(D) All of the above and basically me.

I wish my locus of control were external. That way I won't have so many things eating at me because I blame myself for everything and anything. I want so badly to point the finger elsewhere but the guilt is so piercing that I can't bring myself to do it anymore.

I can do super hardworking and super nose-in-book girl. BUT, damn Intelligence Quotient doesn't move much.

Have I reached my academic potential already? Is this it for me?

Dear Miss Su,

I regret to advice that your application for admission to the Master of Psychology (Clinical) course at this University has been unsuccessful. Unfortunately, your academic results do not meet the entry standard for the course you have chosen.

83 is not good enough. But I'm getting there? Almost there? How about my passion? How about my curiousity and genuine interest in people, the way we interact and how many of the minute things change the way we think and feel in an instant? What about my desire for knowledge and the sadness which I see in people that makes me want to do something?

Nope. Not good enough. No wait, you don't even know if it's not good enough. I didn't get my chance to present my case, to show you how much this means to me and what I want to do if I'd been given the opportunity.

I am down. Frustrated, upset, annoyed and disappointed. But I'm still alive. Maybe and hopefully in a week or so I'll come to terms with the situation and know that I will just have to fight harder and go the longer and more difficult way to realize my dreams.

For now, I just need some sleep.

Taboo, Ignorance and Curiousity

*points at sanitary pads*

"Aunty, what are those?"

*Aunty looking flustered*

"Err.. When you grow up then you will know la."

In Malaysian slang, 'this one cannot say, that one cannot know'.


The most common examples:

Sex. Don't say that kind of thing!

Drugs. Where did you learn that!

Shit! You better watch your mouth ah.

Where do babies comes from? Um.

Menses. Ew.

Sheesh. And people wonder why all their kids talk about is shopping, that cute guy, who broke up, who's married, the 'most eng-dao-est' Korean actor -.- and nothing else.

Who what Howard? Aiya. Other people's country. Nvm la.

Iraq? Where ah?

Anwar come out liaw ah? When?


The motto: Don't need to know, don't need to care.

HELP! This is what happens when curiousity is stifled since young and because of what? taboo taboo taboo taboo taboo taboo taboo taboo taboo taboo.

BOO to taboo!

List of worrying things

Trivial, but added together......... I feel so tired.......

Image
- Self-esteem problems (can't walk on the streets without thinking every 10 minutes, why is he/she staring at me? can't stop looking at every reflective surface to see if there's something wrong, learned (unsuccessfully) to self-immune by pretending not to care and concentrating on book while eating alone, can't meet new people for fear of what they might think on first impression)
- Weight loss (increasing absence of such activitiy, excuse: no time, must concentrate on studies)
- Pressure from mom

Academic
- Getting enough participants (something wrong with the damn program, in the process having to realize I don't have much of a social life here and thus the lack of friends to participate)
- Finishing introduction (Lots on mind, no motivation)
- Getting into Masters (Not having a good enough resume, depleting self-esteem which won't help during interviews, pressure of having to do extremely well to (a) compete with coursemates (b) compete with students from Melb and Monash who are smart as hell, can't fail; if so, face mom's warth after heartily convincing her this is the career for me)
- Applying for P.R. (Damn September rule change, don't want to be tied in Australia if family chooses to move over, wanting to have options to go other places)

Survival
- Loathing the cooking (no spare resources to think about mundane things like, what's for dinner this week?)
- No one will hire me (at that, can't find relevant job. self-conscious; therefore limited connections, hence current problem)
- Not happy with sister sometimes for not taking on more responsibility (plus guilt and shame for not being happy with her, plus guilt and shame for complaining about something which an elder sister is suppose to do)

Self
- Not liking the tendency to think too much
- Not liking the habit of depending on others when something trivial crops up
- Not confident will be able to get through this (thus self-blame - when trying to put "blame" on others to make self feel better end up feeling guilty and low, endless cycle etc.)
- Not liking the self-pity, self-defeatist, selfish, self-contained, overtly dramatic part of the self (which seems to be all I am these days)
- Not liking the self for being so weak and not able to handle what others consider as "normal life"

I need a knife sharpener

If you pick up a knife, any knife, and look at it. You would come to the conclusion that its tip is the sharpest bit. But if you examine it carefully and run your fingers over the topside directly above the tip, the sharpest point curves into its least dangerous part.

On the other side of every extreme point is an entirely different part of the story. If everything were to follow the normal distribution rule, then the majority of everything (anything) would slip and slide on the fence for a while and end up falling somewhere in the middle.

Me? I make quick game out of the fence. The thing practically flips over and whacks me so far with its posts that barely anyone I know can see. That is, until I scramble back again only to be kicked to the other end of the horizon before I can actually swear. Maybe it's the constant disappearance and the persistant silence that makes a big (like literally) girl so inconspicuous that she could vanish off the face of earth and nobody would know. Well, not right away.

The art of disappearing is not exclusive to magicians and does not need to involve a lot of hocus pocus. Anyone can do it. Invisibility is useful when you don't wanna get picked on in tutorials or when you wake up on a day your hair tries to do something funky in the wind. Invisibility is something you'd want to achieve when you know you've done something terribly wrong and all the apologies in the world would not make it better.

When you're so often tipping the scales it gets tiring eventually. Not that you're eager to do it, it's just you. My idea of balancing the scale would be like trying to single-handedly drag an elephant seal off the ice and into the water before it rolls over and sits on you. No offence to the seals. I just think that a seal that size could cover me up just fine.

A woman's greatest weapons

is not her ass-ets or cunning. It's her ability to feel emotionally deprived.

Anger, jealousy, fear.

These three, when born and spurned, can work wonders; only if they don't destroy you first.

Thread with care.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
I had "h3l3n from planet bitch" followed by "fuck. you." on MSN.

A girl friend tells me to not put myself down like that.

A guy friend tells me differently.

L o j e r P e i says:
cool shit babe

h3l3n from planet bitch says:
lol

h3l3n from planet bitch says:
which part of it

L o j e r P e i says:
whole thing man

L o j e r P e i says:
it clicks

L o j e r P e i says:
crazy

L o j e r P e i says:
but i love it

h3l3n from planet bitch says:
haha

h3l3n from planet bitch says:
glad it served some purpose

L o j e r P e i says:
so pissed?

h3l3n from planet bitch says:
kinda

h3l3n from planet bitch says:
pissed and no where to let steam

L o j e r P e i says:
cheer up babe

L o j e r P e i says:
but i love it

L o j e r P e i says:
keep it up

L o j e r P e i says:
wanna sleep liao

L o j e r P e i says:
don bother abt it too much yahh

L o j e r P e i says:
take care

h3l3n from planet bitch says:
i wont

h3l3n from planet bitch says:
nite

L o j e r P e i says:
stay bitchy

L o j e r P e i says:
i love it

L o j e r P e i says:
nite



Definitely from another planet.

When someone tries to steal your umbrella....

What do you do?

I use the word steal because the criminal did not break into my house and take the umbrella. That would be burglary. I don't use the word rob because he did not walk past me and swiped the umbrella.

To be fair, I'd forgotten my umbrella when I left Borders to attend Body Jam upstairs. That, and the added fact that it was only after class and when I was almost out of Melbourne Central that I realize I didn't have my umbrella because it was raining. It was almost the perfect crime. Ruined by my rusty but nevertheless still working memory.

I turned back into Borders and headed towards the table at Gloria Jeans where I always did my work. A Korean couple were sitting there. The guy where I sat and the girl next to him. I enquired politely TWICE if he had seen my umbrella.

Both times he responded. "Huh?" "No?"

HELLO?! Am I asking the question here or are you??

Very convincing. Blur look and all. His seedy eyes aided the dazed expression, giving him a sleepy, innocent look.

I scanned underneath the table for it and immediately, most deliberately, he fished the umbrella from his bag and handed it to me as if he hadn't lied to my face.

-.-"

What the heck.. if you wanna steal something, make it a wallet or a bag or something valuable. Even better, DON'T STEAL.

I know it's just an umbrella, and I know he returned it. But....






-.-"




So lame.

I'm not pregnant

I got up today, and by got up I mean I did not sleep at all, feeling sick, as if my heart was being pressed and my whole being hardened by pain and discomfort.

I walked the few steps towards the bathroom but threw up before I reached the bowl. Now I know why they call it "sick with worry".

It's nothing physical. Purely mental. I have worries. Worries which I cannot express properly without feeling pathetic. No matter what people say, human or not, showing your weaknesses makes you less. And only those who have such worries truly understand, to be strong is being able to admit your worries and share your concerns. To not be ashamed of your flaws.

The perfect people will never understand and so the rest of us are afraid of being weak in front of them. Afraid of being judged, afraid of being less, afraid of losing respect. Because no matter what people say, they will see you as a whinging, weak, pathetic failure.

The next time you have a problem, or you don't want to be judged. Tell me. Because I am just like you. I won't judge you because I don't like being judged. I won't think you are pathetic because I think I am. I won't think any worse of who you are, because I know what you're going through.

Let the perfect people have their own world. Let them have the satisfaction of being the strong ones that we weak ones have to rely on, look up to, and then resent because no matter what consoling words these perfect people have to say, we are never as strong as they are.

Let us be the conniving, cunning, selfish, jealous and egotistical people we are. Let us be ourselves without feeling like there is no hope for change.

When the going gets tough....

I'm not getting anywhere!

Well.. I'm making SOME progress I guess..

I've not been blogging lately because there's too much to do and too many things to stress about. If I'd blogged everyday for the past week, it has to be one hell of a stressed blog log. I decided I didn't want to read back on my posts one day and see a record of such depressing stuff. So yea, no go.

Busy?

Yes, very.

My supervisor is a really really nice guy. He's from Melb Uni as well, he's young, he's helpful, he's enthusiastic, he's resourceful. Are you sensing a BUT in there somewhere? Well.. he is PERHAPS a little too enthusiastic. No problem with that under normal circumstances, but this moving house thing is driving me crazy. The "unavoidable circumstances" just keep coming. First it's the property delay then now there's a phone line problem which is just as worse. Come on, what do all research students need most? Research papers! And where to get them? ONLINE!

No phone line = No Internet

Ok. Like I said, no extensive record on bad stuff. I just want the phone line fixed!

Otherwise, Ben is the supervisor I wished for. He keeps me on track, gives me a lot of resources and handy tips. The most important thing is, he makes me believe that I know what I'm doing. Which I probably am but just doesn't feel like it these days. He gives me things to do each week to the extent that we are three weeks ahead of schedule on the list of things we need to do for the research. For the past hour I've practically filled in 80% of the ethics application which needs to be filed two weeks from now. Tonight's work will be re-drafting the proposal and going into depth on some of the literature. Over the weekend I could fiddle more with the GNAT program and figure out a solid design for our experiment.

Gosh, I can't believe I have yet to explain what my research is about in detail. I suppose I could always post up my thesis proposal when I finalize it tonight.

At the mean time.. I need to make sure I can get online next week :/ good luck to that!

Am I getting anywhere? I sure hope so.

When relaxed and laidback is just plain lazy!

As an attempt to be rid of Arrow's poor management and after tolerating with them for four years, we've decided to move to Milano only to realize that it's not the "management" problem, it's the attitude problem.

I know kiasuness needs to be taken down a notch or two, but I just can't bear the work ethic in this country!!!!!!!!

!#$%^$%^!$%&$#%^*^&**

Relaxed + laidback = lazy.

Where does this deduction come from?

We were suppose to move in on the 20th, which was on Tuesday. I got a call on Friday morning telling me that there will be a delay because they need to run "safety checks" on the newly-built property and therfore, the move in date had to be changed to 24th which is this coming Saturday. I said ok, these things happen. Can't be helped. HOWEVER, just today, I was informed that they were expecting another delay, till 10th April no less. The thing is, after a long argument, and ONE phone call (according to the man himself), he said it would be ok for me to pick up the keys on Saturday morning and move in.

So why couldn't he have made that call in the first place and prevent this so-called "delay"? It just shows what excuses can do most of the time and also how you can't let people push you around just for the sake of their own laziness!

Maybe it's the pressure from the thesis proposal and the regression assignment on top of GRE and having to move as well, I just completely brokedown. Well, in my bedroom that is, not publically. What the heck you know? It's not like anyone reads this blog.

I told the bloody agent it was not acceptable. Really, it's the first in a long time since I'd exploded like that. I remember in primary school, I'd scream at anyone who pissed me off. When I got to secondary school, I tried to harness my temper and keep conflicts low. Maybe all the years of pent up frustration just erupted in me today. I'm just surprised I didn't claw the man's eyes out. Not even Peter, the incompetent manager of Arrow elicited such a response.

Have I really learned how to control my temper? Do I really know how to handle stress any better than I did three years ago?

Maybe I'm just deluded. I'd said I learnt a lot last year, but at times like these I felt as if all that I've acquired is false. I should be able to deal with this in a calm manner right?

Apparently not.

I thought I was past worrying. But I guess it's in my nature. Now I can't settle my mind till I really get the keys on Saturday morning. Oh help.. my head is about to burst.....

Lack of motivation

Motivation schmotivation

Is this what they call burnout?

I'm so... LAZY..

ARGH

Wake up Helen! WAKE. UP.