List of worrying things

Trivial, but added together......... I feel so tired.......

Image
- Self-esteem problems (can't walk on the streets without thinking every 10 minutes, why is he/she staring at me? can't stop looking at every reflective surface to see if there's something wrong, learned (unsuccessfully) to self-immune by pretending not to care and concentrating on book while eating alone, can't meet new people for fear of what they might think on first impression)
- Weight loss (increasing absence of such activitiy, excuse: no time, must concentrate on studies)
- Pressure from mom

Academic
- Getting enough participants (something wrong with the damn program, in the process having to realize I don't have much of a social life here and thus the lack of friends to participate)
- Finishing introduction (Lots on mind, no motivation)
- Getting into Masters (Not having a good enough resume, depleting self-esteem which won't help during interviews, pressure of having to do extremely well to (a) compete with coursemates (b) compete with students from Melb and Monash who are smart as hell, can't fail; if so, face mom's warth after heartily convincing her this is the career for me)
- Applying for P.R. (Damn September rule change, don't want to be tied in Australia if family chooses to move over, wanting to have options to go other places)

Survival
- Loathing the cooking (no spare resources to think about mundane things like, what's for dinner this week?)
- No one will hire me (at that, can't find relevant job. self-conscious; therefore limited connections, hence current problem)
- Not happy with sister sometimes for not taking on more responsibility (plus guilt and shame for not being happy with her, plus guilt and shame for complaining about something which an elder sister is suppose to do)

Self
- Not liking the tendency to think too much
- Not liking the habit of depending on others when something trivial crops up
- Not confident will be able to get through this (thus self-blame - when trying to put "blame" on others to make self feel better end up feeling guilty and low, endless cycle etc.)
- Not liking the self-pity, self-defeatist, selfish, self-contained, overtly dramatic part of the self (which seems to be all I am these days)
- Not liking the self for being so weak and not able to handle what others consider as "normal life"

Age is Just Another Painful Number

Growing old alone ain't easy. I'm sure you'll agree with me. I have yet to file the papers for Spinstership Society, but I have the documents handy. Thank God for friends and family :)

I got my first card from Meng Yee. It was sitting in my mailbox 5 days before the big day.

On the Saturday before, Tsu Ann, Chand and I had dimsum. It was a busy week for them - anyone who has watched "Tails" would agree that it was worth it!

Chand and I outside West Lake.

The celebration came, as always, in the form of a simple dinner :) This year, at Oriental Spoon.

Group picture

Vanilla Sponge Cake with errr.. chocolate, chocolate liquor, um.. pastry bits, etc. :P

One of the reasons why this year is special is because of Emily :) This would be 5 years since I last celebrated my birthday with her. Emily is one of my oldest ever :) Since we were... Primary 3? It was (is, she's still here!) great to have a good friend by your side on a memorable day :)

Emily half way around the world from Nottingham :)

With Em, Sab and Yen Khai :)

Melissa and Rosanne

No birthday is complete without the cousin :P

Colin and girl friend Siew Joo

Gracing us with his ultimate soikuanness :P

Then there's dep zhai August.

Wouldn't let me cut the cake in peace!

August and girlfriend Ayumi :)

And of course.. Baonie :D

Annie Susu :)

Incidentally there were 5 secondary school mates at the dinner. Did not realize this till someone (I forgot who!) pointed it out. For "old" times sake, we tried to do the jumping spontaneously photo.

I said we tried.

Finally giving up :P

Total : 222.20, Toto anyone?

The night didn't end then. Mr Qijian decided to hog my line until it was midnight, officially my birthday. LOL. So the 1st Place Birthday Wishing (Australian Time) Award went to him.

I must say, Facebook certainly makes birthdays quite interesting. I received an array of "Facebook" gifts this year.

No Fear of 22 - Fyin Chin :)

Ian was the first one to wish me on Malaysian time :) and spent 2 hours on his drawing. LOL. Something which would've taken me much longer. Tell me it looks like one of those Hallmark birthday cards.

And I thought, is this even possible using Facebook Graffiti?

My own product

You can run but you can't hide wrinkles~

I also received a growing gift from Monica (which turned out to be a strawberry!) and a free gift from Dan Ru courtesy of Facebook. Technology comes in handy when you're far far away dunnit? :D

On the big day itself I had to attend a Red Cross volunteer session. But the surprises kept coming.

Pei Sze (in Tasmania) who again, employed services of boyfriend Cheng Loong to send me another slice from Brunetti's and a card :D

From Emily and Mann Chii :P who know my favourite things :D

The long-awaited wallet from Chand since my last one was stolen October 2006 :P

Puppy and toiletries compliments from Rosanne and Mel :)

Chockies from Siew Joo! LOL.. Oh my stomach.. don't know whether to laugh or cry.. :P

Photoframe, much needed highlighters and notebook from Colin :)

Angels of Aceh from Sabrina :)

The days after....

Bracelets and pendants from Sneha :D My favourite is the brown one with

little buddha cravings

Top and the prettiest box ever from Iris, another dear old friend who never forgets :)

huggies for you dear.. :) I miss our "bookie" chats :P

Many many thanks to the following for all your wishes :) You make me realize how lucky I am every year..

Colin, August, Phoebe, Chunny, Donkey, Fen, Hwan, Vera (despite travelling up to Brunei), Juk (for your e card :D ), Ian, Bel, Qijian, Emily, Li Kun, Meng Yee, Chun Ping, Shinny (the long email despite busy moving to London), Iris, Mabel, Zhungyi (the call despite overwhelmed with work), Barry, Pei Sze, Yaow, Cheng Loong, Tsu Ann, Cindy, Sabrina, Rosanne, Melissa, Mann Chii, Siew Joo, Ayumi, Jingting, Betty, Kim, Yen Khai, Sneha, Lynn, Vanessa, Andy, Chai Lim, Chloe, Cassandra, Yuang Teck, Jeslyn, Jimmy, Han Sze, Rudi, Dan Ru, Evelyn, Doris, Regine, Rudi, Doris, Fyin, Geok Poh, Siaw Lan, Jack, Si Ying, May-Lin, Joanna, Monica, David Tay, Sue Ann..

Hope I didn't miss anyone out~

Helen, wishing you happy 22nd birthday and may happiness and good health be with you for many many more years to come.. love always, Daddy, Mommy and Albert..

" . "

I like 'em church songs
they make me sing
even when I ain't believin' in
His words all the time
still wearin'at string mama got
me from a temple monk
I still like 'em church songs
coz they make me cry.

Tagged Once More

Hi all,

Wasn't planning to post so soon, but I got tagged by Sabrina :)
Really wanted this next post to be on the big 2-2 but I've decided to wait for Iris' something in the mailbox :P *huggies IRIS* :D

So at the meantime, here's something to keep you from trying to kill my audio player :P

You have $100 to spend online in the next hour. How are you going to spend it?

1)

Research and Writing Across the Disciplines
Author(s): Katherine H. Adams and Michael Keene
39.95

2)

Writing Fiction, Creating the Fourth Dimension
Author(s): C. J. Hannah
41.95

3)

When the War is Over
Artist: Cosima De Vito
4.99

4) Yanni Collection on CD
Artist: Yanni
24.99

Total : 111.88

:P Oops! Hehe. I suppose I could do without Cosima. I'd still be overbudget tho :P Someone help!!

Account of 22nd once something drops into my mailbox ;)

I need a knife sharpener

If you pick up a knife, any knife, and look at it. You would come to the conclusion that its tip is the sharpest bit. But if you examine it carefully and run your fingers over the topside directly above the tip, the sharpest point curves into its least dangerous part.

On the other side of every extreme point is an entirely different part of the story. If everything were to follow the normal distribution rule, then the majority of everything (anything) would slip and slide on the fence for a while and end up falling somewhere in the middle.

Me? I make quick game out of the fence. The thing practically flips over and whacks me so far with its posts that barely anyone I know can see. That is, until I scramble back again only to be kicked to the other end of the horizon before I can actually swear. Maybe it's the constant disappearance and the persistant silence that makes a big (like literally) girl so inconspicuous that she could vanish off the face of earth and nobody would know. Well, not right away.

The art of disappearing is not exclusive to magicians and does not need to involve a lot of hocus pocus. Anyone can do it. Invisibility is useful when you don't wanna get picked on in tutorials or when you wake up on a day your hair tries to do something funky in the wind. Invisibility is something you'd want to achieve when you know you've done something terribly wrong and all the apologies in the world would not make it better.

When you're so often tipping the scales it gets tiring eventually. Not that you're eager to do it, it's just you. My idea of balancing the scale would be like trying to single-handedly drag an elephant seal off the ice and into the water before it rolls over and sits on you. No offence to the seals. I just think that a seal that size could cover me up just fine.

Can Cook, Can't Bake.

My first attempt at baking cakes (I've done cookies). I decided to try Choco Banana Cake. Too ambitious? LOL. Really tested my limits :P

It's a simple cake! Only someone as dense as me can fail at it -.-

The final burnt product. Well, I couldnt bring myself to take a picture with the cake at its full gory appearance, so I peeled off the crust.

I took a picture of the sides, it looks ok here. If you look closer there's the banana bits spread evenly here and there.

It didn't taste half bad. I could finish it eventually but I am NOT letting anyone else taste it. A one-woman misery is enough. If it isn't then a case of diahrrea should do it.

No humans to experiment on, so I did it on the cake instead. Fully stripped of its outer later. You should feel the insides.

But it's so damn fugly I decided to cover it up in the end.

Pain

Illustration by Tang Yee Yen (01/08/2007)

The evening sky heals but
today there is a lone cloud
severed; its tail left behind.
can't watch the bloody trail,
so I look to the ground
and see that
it is my own.