I need answers

Do I have acute depression? I don't know.

But I know there are a lot of things on my mind and I can't shake them off. Family.. friends.. myself. Maybe everything is blown out of proportion but my mind just can't stop it from coming. I don't will for these thoughts and worries to come, they just do.

Things I should care about, I don't. And the things I shouldn't so much, I really do. It's a vicious cycle. When subjected to such schemas, the best way is not to let it go on and on or like what people like to say "Get used to it." The best thing to do is to pull away. It's harder than you think it is - this pulling away business. It is neither avoiding it nor running away. It is simply facing it and then letting it go.

During the past year, never have I had to take on so many responsibilities. I did not shirk them either. Perhaps this sense of responsibility has made me grow, but it is by far the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. I know it must be done and eventually I'll know how to handle it. It's not something which I can discard. It's not something which I can ignore.

Do I not need this responsibility? Can I turn my back on it? No.

It's something I have to face head on and overcome. There seriously should be a Manual for Growing Up.

Do you envy the carefree people? The ones who have the same responsibilities but know how to take things at stride and deal with them as they come? Or those who have the same burdens but chose to disregard them. After all, what's life if there's no fun right?

But you're not them. You're you. When you fight conflict, and you try to be stronger, believe in yourself more, change aspects of yourself you don't like - Isn't that a bit like removing a bit of yourself? Isn't that a bit ironic when you're trying so hard to like yourself in the first place? If you want to love yourself, doesnt it makes more sense to accept all of you and try not to change a thing?

There, I said it. This is the root of my problem. I feel very contradicted. This or that? What should I do? I keep asking others. But in the end the answer is mine to figure out, mine to choose. Let alone choose the right answer, I'm having trouble finding one.