Yesterday

Yesterday I did not pass my family therapy exam. This morning I got up and congratulated myself.
I spent today thinking:
What could I have done better?
Where do I go from here?
What does this mean?

Most people here don't know I was a failing student in high school, right up to my final high school certificate examinations. What bothered me the most was that I never really tried.

I know I tried this time. I've been trying for the past 7 years to never let myself down again. Yesterday wasn't enough.

Funny what I was thinking when it wasn't me.
"Oh it's all his fault."
"They're just mean"

The moment it happened to me, the moment I walked out that room my thoughts changed.
This is more than an exam, it is a test for me. There were things I couldn't control - what my lecturer thought of my exam, the student who reminded me of my mom, the fact that I didn't know what was expected of me, the fates that stated that yesterday would come down upon me in such a way that I would irrevocably have to face my fears.

Then there are the things I could change and review - how I could have utilized the techniques better, what I could have said during the time, and now, how I can look at myself and think of what I can do rather than lament the things I can't control. Because no matter how many times the words 'unfair' and 'why' pop up, words are just words in the end.

You know there are people out there who don't have education, you know there are people out there who aren't given opportunities, meals, a house to live in, family members who love and friends who care. 'So what is it that makes this more difficult?' I ask myself sometimes. Yesterday I got my answer, because we always forget how lucky we are.

The lecturer mentioned that I was too gentle in my approach, not directive enough. Then I told myself, this previously never-say-no and afraid-to-speak-up self, 'Only you realize the long way you have come from before, so don't stop now.'

As my father always reminds us: Don't be afraid of challenges, they are there not to bring you down but to make you stronger.

I failed again this time, but not as the same person who failed years ago. Because I am still here, and I am stronger and better.