This whole thing is effing wearing me down..

I'm waiting.. waiting.. waiting..

It's been a long time since I've ever wanted something and let my true colours show. Do you know who I am? I'm not the nice girl who helps unconditionally, ever smiley and all that shit. I'm trying to be who I am but it's hard. The not so nice girl who helps but at most times uses that satisfaction to make herself feel better about her insecurities and whinges when people take her for granted.

It's hard swallowing this pill. Oh, like, how many times have I tried to delete the paragraph above? Gee, I lost count. Surprise, surprise.

Do you believe that personality is innate? I would say that our environment shapes our personality but once we reach a certain stage, we realize we can't really run too far away from it and have to deal with it eventually.

Obviously, I'm trying to deal.

Obviously, not dealing very well.

I still get pissed sometimes inside and I know it shows on my face easily. Observant people catch that brief glimpse. But what do I do? Plant on a smile (I don't know why people never realized it was sort of not there. Thank you high school drama competitions?), go home, bitch to thyself, maybe shed a few tears and then chill for a while. Next day? Everything is A-OK.

This is my life.

The facade is tiring. But the real me is terrifying. Yes, ladies and gentlemen. Looks like I'm on my way to getting a mental disorder.

*Ponders*

I was trying to recall if I ever had periods of time where I don't remember what I was doing.
Why? : Symptom of Dissociative Identity Disorder (formerly and more famously known as Multiple Personalities.)
Answer: Nope. I remember each and every sordid detail of my life, including the past. Damn! Those violins are playing again. *Thinks Freud* Modern psychodynamic approach anyone?

Desire. I want to do so many things with my life and in order to get there I'll have to compete with others. Sure, I need to compete with myself first. But.. argh *thinks Asian background*.. why is it that we are so consciously aware of how we are all relative to one another?

My relatives:
Relatively fatter
Relatively average
Relatively jealous
Relatively sarcastic (pessimistic) or witty (optimistic)
Relatively musically inclined but not THERE

I need relatively SMARTER! No. I need super smart. And I'm not.

Boo-hoo! Sucks to be me?!

And then the guilt comes. What's making my life difficult? Is it:
(A) My grouchy but capable of high tolerance despite lots of misgivings and yet about to blow out of proportion personality
(B) My overtly pessimistic view of life
(C) My lower-than-thou self-confidence though hopefully will get there once I sort out this identity crisis
(D) All of the above and basically me.

I wish my locus of control were external. That way I won't have so many things eating at me because I blame myself for everything and anything. I want so badly to point the finger elsewhere but the guilt is so piercing that I can't bring myself to do it anymore.

I can do super hardworking and super nose-in-book girl. BUT, damn Intelligence Quotient doesn't move much.

Have I reached my academic potential already? Is this it for me?

Dear Miss Su,

I regret to advice that your application for admission to the Master of Psychology (Clinical) course at this University has been unsuccessful. Unfortunately, your academic results do not meet the entry standard for the course you have chosen.

83 is not good enough. But I'm getting there? Almost there? How about my passion? How about my curiousity and genuine interest in people, the way we interact and how many of the minute things change the way we think and feel in an instant? What about my desire for knowledge and the sadness which I see in people that makes me want to do something?

Nope. Not good enough. No wait, you don't even know if it's not good enough. I didn't get my chance to present my case, to show you how much this means to me and what I want to do if I'd been given the opportunity.

I am down. Frustrated, upset, annoyed and disappointed. But I'm still alive. Maybe and hopefully in a week or so I'll come to terms with the situation and know that I will just have to fight harder and go the longer and more difficult way to realize my dreams.

For now, I just need some sleep.

How can you be sparing people's feelings when you deny them?

Am in the middle of watching Tuesdays with Morrie. And this line struck me so hard I need to write down how I'm feeling.

You know how to react when people come to you in tears or make a move to give you a hug when times are crappy and you're on the verge of bashing your brains out coz something didn't happen your way?

Do you know? I mean, how to react?

Do you shy away because you're not a "touchy-feely" person. Tears make you uncomfortable? You think they're a sign of weakness and you're such a failure you don't need comfort coz that makes you even more of a wuss (i.e., you can't even suck it up and get on with life coz you're too weak of a person?)

Are you just not an affectionate person OR are you instead, you know perhaps, just afraid? Scared?

Do we really relieve people's problems by not talking to them about it coz we don't want to hurt them more by doing so? Telling them it's nothing when it is SOMETHING! Not acknowledging their concerns when they're obviously upset?

None of that business about "You're making a big deal out of nothing."! When people have problems, don't focus so much on what makes the problems straight off the bat. Focus on how they're feeling. Confused, angry, upset, annoyed, guilty, betrayed, frustrated. Whatever it is, it's already there and it is some big deal if the person trusts you enough to convey these feelings so listen up. The feelings are amplified and they're hurting.

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Knock knock.

Who's there?

Howard.

Howard who?

Howard you feeling today?

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How are you feeling today my dear friends :)