Sigh

I feel like bursting.

For the many times I've kept myself for saying what I think in the expense of others' feelings has filled me up inside till I'm just about to explode.

I feel fake.

People think I'm nice, kind, all the superlatives you wouldn't believe. But I'm a bad person trying too hard to be nice. And when I start being angry about why all that's not returned I feel frustrated at myself. I was just thinking when I woke up.. why can't I stop myself from being "nice" when later on I'd just end up feeling angry because I expect something for that kindness and know I won't get it anyway. CONFUSED. Looks like I'm just prone to hurting myself. Does that make sense?

I feel transparent.

Elsa told me the other day "Helen.. you're always so happy-go-lucky. How do you do it?" I was thinking, "Am I? That's so not true." and I told her so. Do I avoid my frustrations to the extent that people think I'm happy-go-lucky?!?

And we read that you get identity crisis during your adolescent years. I reckon this reaches out to young adulthood if you don't deal with it earlier.